Deceit.

does it make you happy now?

2005-10-25T14:51:00.000+08:00

so let me drown so i can breathe again

im through choking and suffocating

on alter egos and alter motives

just weigh you down and take control of

the way you are and the things that you need

the life you live and the dreams that you dream

distort and blur all in slow motion

they broke you down and now your broken

it's sadder than the saddest movie

i ever saw but without the beauty

so i stopped watching i stopped caring

ive lost all interest and i stopped wearing

these plastic smiles ive washed my hands clean

forget that you forgot about me

and im living like the big city feeling

it's better than suburban dreaming

im believing all the claims that angels

talk shit on me

like i don't know who

my real friends are anymore no..

i dont know you anymore

and it's sadder than the saddest movie

i ever saw but without the beauty

so i stopped watching i stopped caring

spilling ink and spill your guts again.

it's over.

BLOG CLOSED.

cynic.

2005-10-24T14:18:00.000+08:00

i admit, that sometimes my words can get too harsh for one to handle, so looking back i guess i am sorry for saying some of things i said. i don't handle anger well. never been the type to.

been doing a lot of self reflection today- on that note i had a terrible night last night. the talk with mollywobbles and hockeyteam mate really made me feel so much better. although at one point of time i was discussing contradicting issues with both sides of the party which makes me a bitch in a way, but hey i was still a tad bit confused.

"ili, just ignore all those irritating people la.." -robo

as simple as that sentence can be, the truth behind it is just amazing. well i've been holding on to those words every since. on that note thanks for being there for me all this while, thanks for listening to me cry last night, and thank you for putting me to sleep.

"hope you'll feel better when you wake up. always remember you have friends who love you.. especially aku!" -mel

sometimes it takes just one person to remind you that you are loved and that makes everything okay again. i've been losing grip of myself lately and almost disregarded all those many important and lovely people who're constantly by my side.

( there are things that used to make me smile
one of them was you for just a little while )

fast asleep.

2005-10-24T03:51:00.001+08:00

don't you think everybody was doing so much better, minding their own business and running their own lives, not caring about others'? then why, why do some people just have to appear out of nowhere and add a tad too much of complication - something that noone needs at all.

frankly, i'm just so, so tired. all i need is for all you people to just get off my back and everything will be okay. not the one who tries to dramatically add some zest to my life by being the most miserable tattletale on earth, not the one who tries to (notso) quietly sneak back into peoples' lives with the same old lies as his pass, and especially not the one who used to be the only one that mattered but look what happened to that.

i need a getaway to some place, one of these days. while the holidays are still around, i just need some time with myself and runaway from the theatrical segments of life. oh, how tragic.

killing zone.

2005-10-24T01:47:00.000+08:00

okay Mr Faizal Adam, you listen, and you listen GOOD.

i am very much aware of your sudden presence once again. (how can i not, what with your multiple defensive tags) as a matter of fact, welcome back. a little bit of courtesy never harms anyone.

HOWEVER, i do have a couple of issues i feel, are very important for me to address as i refer back to all your comments on my chatterbox. firstly, the last time i checked, i'm pretty much sure i told you to fuck yourself off elsewhere after getting the better of your dirty lies. seems like somebody hasn't dutifully fulfilled his task as instructed. how else would you be aware of my slight mention of your name here just a day after i posted that entry? that aside (and your very flattering obssesion of me) i'd like to state my opinion on your shouts.

" Fine. A few lies here and there and i really got into the shroom's bad books. Forgive me for my stupidity. "

(in the order starting from the least important)

correction one: oh no dear boy you don't go around commenting on my friend's grammar before checking up on yours okay? FYI the term Shrooms is a collective noun, so if i'm not wrong the apostrophe should come after the s so ooops your bad there.

correction two: a few lies is a very mild term to call your (as quoted by raf) fucken outrageous lies, don't you think so? hands up everyone, i don't think any of us likes being cheated on and manipulated. so don't you dare try to call them off as 'a few lies' because the fact is your many many lies were so bad, that they made their way around to the extend of hurting people.

correction three: shroom's [errorerror!] bad books? oh no no no no no don't mislead yourself my dear boy. you don't even QUALIFY to be in the shrooms' bad books because truthfully? we've forgotten ALLLL about you until you sudden showed up a couple of days ago. *apologetic smile*

"i wasn't hitting on hana, FYI. just complemeting her good looks. and writing. is it wrong to be NICE to a lady?"

grammar alert AGAIN! :) go figure it out yourself okay? well haha it must've been just as nice to get shot down by her. if i'm not wrong she must've told you that we can't help but conclude that you're just not real! what's the matter now, feeling dejected? well nobody likes getting hurt- something you should've thought of once upon a time while telling your talll talesss.

"to IliM, really sorry babe."

that came wayyyy overdue. that was a pretty fucked up lie don't you think, going around telling people that one of us is your leeetleeee sister. well sorry doesn't cut it. so just stop acting like you're the victim here, if there's anyone who has all the right to get mad, it's me, it's US, the people whom you told your fabricated tales to. oh and one more thing, if you ever use any of our names for one of your future highly fictional tales, i'll just hand over your email address to the boys in blue and your cover will be blown. as simple as that.

"FACT: Faizal Adam DOES have a sister born in 1988 and was in TKGS from 2001 to 2004."

okay. if we believe you, we should also believe the fact that your sister must turn out just as fucked up as you did huh? after all, having a lying psychotic elder brother doesn't really bring back treats. okay la okay la if it means so much to you, faizal adam we believe you ok you have a younger sister in 1988 and was in tkgs from 2001 to 2004! okay??

"then again, who would believe me? Sign."

it's a pity you can't edit the shouts on my board, or else you'd have saved yourself a whole lot of humiliation. anyway, it's a good thing you realised on your own that nobody would believe you. oh, of course not!

"Ili Diyana, you're my biggest mistake."

was that sentence supposed to serve any impact? i don't know whether to be honoured, or ooohsofuckendevastated. i agree, crossing paths with me was YOUR biggest mistake. because know why? now you can no longer go around misleading poor little girls from TKGS (oh you paedophile you) because everyone is already aware of your fake cover. busted. damn! oh and on that note, PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE, BUSTER.

"Sigh. i shall mind my own business and never bother any of you again. But a request please, never use MARLIA'S name with mine again. Marl and me, that's our OWN business. OK? Selamat Hari Raya."

that would be just lovely. nobody wants you around anyway. if we like invisible people i'm sure even harry potter wouldn't mind lending us his invisibility cloak. (:

you know, if you noticed, nobody mentioned anything about you and marlia. we're all wise enough to mind our own business. aiyo paiseh leh. so please, i really urge for you to stop humiliating yourself further. save face laaa. even though noone's ever seen yours. hahah! okay inside joke inside joke.

oh and Selamat Hari Raya to you too! have fun going visiting with your spiderman mask and your invisible baju kurung.

okay from there, there's some lame shit shadow of crow business which i refuse to address. fyi IP addresses do clash most of the time so please stop acting smart and accusing the host (namely myself) of tagging as a visitor. i haven't been online for days now, so yeah do yourself a favour and get rid of those smartalec brain cells.

i think i've pretty much covered most of the stuff. thank you so much for gracing my blog with your presence, but kindly follow as one of my custodians escort you to the door labelled 'EXIT'. if you're just plain unhappy with the fact that i mentioned your name in my blog and doubted your authenticity then i'm really sorry ok?

if or when you're willing to take a bit of advice, just stop all this nonsense la.

it's best that you leave now. goodbye forever. (i mean it when i say that)

regards,
Ili Diyana

yawns.

2005-10-22T04:49:00.000+08:00

well well well look what we've got here!

apparently someone has decided to take on the most gracious role of licking my ex boyfriend's peanuts, who, unfortunately (as of ten minutes ago), has interrupted tonight's sleep for me. well done!

matters pertaining to me is for me to share with others, when i feel like it, at the times i feel most right. i don't need some girl who was deeply infatuated with him once upon a time to so-called do him a favour and spill all the dirt. nope, i'm not pissed that he found out (thank you for sparing me the trouble by the way) i'm just absolutely appalled by your behavior. didn't your mother teach you enough - to stay out of people's business, no matter how strong the urge to get yourself in his good books?

(well you know what they say, some people just go alllll the way)

now go on, congratulate yourself for being such a good friend, PAL!

can't a girl get some sleep around here!?

she says:

2005-10-21T23:01:00.000+08:00

some people are just so fake, irritating, and an absolute waste of time.

potential

2005-10-20T00:46:00.000+08:00

a laugh
a look
a smile
a second passes by
and I regret it

words just aren't right

sometimes
I just can't explain
all the ways
you devastate me
always on my mind

i haven't really felt like blogging out of late - today inclusive. not until.. i give this blog a makeover. or engage in escapism and move elsewhere. whatever it is, i haven't really decided. we'll see how the mood plays along. i'm feeling kinda bad cause i've been skipping a whole bunch of trainings :/ but well if you're clever you'll know that i've got my personal reasons for not attending them. i don't know, i'm kinda giving myself a not-so-deserved break but i know i need it alot for the sake of my sanity. even though i'd really enjoy a couple of hits with the stick and the ball, so i think i'm gonna distress it somewhere tomorrow. yup. tournament's coming up anyway, i can't just let down my team mates like that.

life is just so full of surprises.

oh, on that note, i heard something extremely ridiculous from my friend (Friend A) today, something like a so-called friend of hers (Friend B) stuffing a whole lot of bull in my mouth, claiming that i called Friend A a (somethingnotsopleasant) i was so shocked and in a way, amused, because people go thru such extends to sabotage friendships. initially i was quite disappointed with Friend A because she just took in whatever Friend B said without clarifying anything with me, no matter how ridiculous the so-called rumour sounded. but then Friend A went on to say that she did try contacting me for a confrontation of sorts but I couldn't be reached. well, i know how that came about. hmm.

i was planning to cream Friend B but Friend A insisted that I shouldn't make this hard for her, so I let it go for her sake. but in any case, Friend B, whoever you are, please don't be afraid to come forward and tell me what exactly is the problem you've got with me. because if you have no fears of planting words in my mouth, i'm sure making a couple of clarifications with me won't be so fearsome as compared to that! people like this deserve to be shot, really.

yup, so this should just about be my last entry until inspiration strikes and i lose enough lazy cells to conjure up a new layout. this stupid colourful layout of mine is annoying the shit of me. (did i hear an 'i told you so'?)

FAIZAL ADAM STRIKES BACK! LMAO. give it up already, mr mental. everybody knows you're not real.

lonely fool.

2005-10-18T02:02:00.000+08:00

i am normal, i am feeling perfectly okay. really. REALLY. fuck all you unbelievers. nyehehehe. not a very appropriate time to be all emo-angst at the world but whatever! :D

yeah okay so hi, looks like this is gonna be another lonngggg night for me haha i friggin fell asleep at a whooping 4:30am yesterday oh joy. so just what have i been doing the whole damned day ha. *raises hand questioningly* beats me! i just spent the whole day doing *pauses for dramatic effect* -tadaaah- nothing! oh i am so not kidding. have you ever had one of those days when you try to get started on one thing and then you end up not finishing it before moving on to another thing (which, i should add is just as pointless as the previous task) and then one two three the same thing happens all over again. mmhmm and then you realise the only reason why you're making yourself feel so fucken miserable is because there's this just ONE thing you know you want to do but you're doing all these other stupid pointless things (seemingly), you end up not completing them and at the end of the day, nothing gets done, you're the loser and everyone laughs at you ha ha ha.

oh stop it just stop talking like this.

truth is? i'v been trying so hard to distract myself. i've tried everything today. from cutting up my clothes (shut up.) to looking for lost diaries right down to urm sweeping the underneath of my bed. and you know i never do that! ah. well. anything, anything just to keep myself from breaking down again. a girl's gotta be strong around here.

sometimes i wish i had the strength some of my friends possess. like raf, liyana (little miss 8pointer) and especially nina. i take my hat off to you guys. except that i don't actually own a hat.

(well i've been trying.)

okay to stop myself from pretending to know what i'm talking about FURTHER, i think i'll just do the stupid survey that i've been tagged to do by a couple of people. so yeah that seven thing or whatever you call it. enjoy.

seven things that scare me;

losing the people i care so much about & especially love
being alone
falling in love
drunken people
cockroaches la fark
horror stories oh c'monnn who doesn't get freaked out by them.
smelly people (no, really.)

seven things that i like;

my friends (collective noun!)
colourful objects
eye candy (both girls and boys)
being happy
graphic design
lyrics
ben&jerry's chocolate chip and cookie dough ice cream

seven most important things in my room;

blanket, i'll die without it.
my clothes!!
the vanity
bed la, sia.
the lock on the door (it keeps intruders away)
scents
snakey&tubby (that's two i'm cheating whatever)

seven random facts about me;

i am annoyingly vain. (yeah like who doesn't know that.)
i don't eat with my hands. eh wait- more like i CAN'T. seriously.
i've never been dumped. (nothing to be proud of but well.)
i've been contemplating suicide for the past 72 hours
half of the toenail on my right big toe is not there. uh oh...
i like making people laugh. i like making people happy.
i don't think i like you very much. piss off. (ok make sense now-the blog didn't do anything to you..)

seven things i plan to do before i die;

repent
tudung
haj pilgrimage
tell my parents i love them
get a degree
make a difference in someone's life
have a cooool house by the beach

seven things that i can do;

make people laugh
take spicy food (boo to fi the wuss!)
be very quiet when i have a tummyache (haha so now you know how to keep me quiet)
hug and kiss my dad and not be embarrassed about it
talk really loud and make it seem like nothing
draw
mental calculations

seven things that i can't do;

concentrate
i find it hard to pay attention on one thing for more than 10 minutes
i can't sit still- i have to break something.
smell beer on people
have cockroaches crawling on my feet EEEEEEEEEE
i can't not love
i can't not turn around instantly when somebody tells me, "don't look now but the woman behind you...

seven words i say the most;

neverrrrrrrrrr!~~
yeah balls
fuck?
whatever
nakkkkk!
shut up!
i love you

seven celebrity crushes;

chad michael murray (!!!)
freddie prince jr
josie maran
burnt face man! ha ha ha
nurulaini abdul rahim :p
joey tribbiani - F.R.I.E.N.D.S
jessica alba :)

seven people i would like to do this;

mab
hadi
khalies
ilimah
aduh
shaz
amazingly, i'd like him to try this

seven things.

2005-10-16T23:40:00.000+08:00

just for the sake of updating ;-

walking back home at about 11:15pm, and you smell a heavenly chocolate smell from one of the neighbouring blocks. either i'm really going crazy or someone must've found it to really cool to start chocolate baking somewhere near midnight.
Forever21 plays the coolest music, i swear.
i do not appreciate being made a fool of. especially by one of my best friends. so there.
it's been a day. i think i'm alright.
bus kilang, business school! khalies mwah(:
raf is love tonight. (well actually she has always been but tonight she's my shining star)
i am going enjoy the last 21 days of my holidays to the fullest ohohhh trust me on this.

confiding.

2005-10-16T03:40:00.000+08:00

*creeps up here quietly* hey you.. ssshh.. let's be discreet about this. can't seem to sleep tonight, i wonder why. feeling a little short of friends to talk to either, if you get what i mean. anyway i'm feeling much more calm. and kinder. kind? how do you define kind, you ask me. well, kind enough to want to take down those entries. ah no you shouldn't, says a little voice at the back of my head. because if you do, it'll just mean you're letting your gut down. and if you do that- the likeliness of you getting back together with him is like a 98% positive. and ~~when~~ if you do get back together with him the vicious cycle is gonna take its toll all over again. you don't want that do you? no, of course not. exactly; so why are you doing this in the first place? stop being so unsure of yourself- how do you get things done that way?

you're right, i'll just go back to my room and try to go to sleep.

make that
pretend to go to sleep.

after all,

i wouldn't want you to think that i'm losing sleep over you, would i?

( just think of all the thoughts wasted on you )

diseased.

2005-10-16T01:08:00.000+08:00

influx of entries. alright so maybe i went a little crazy tonight. but life is really that unpredictable.

i have to be really strong this time. you know.

ohh just another one of those nights when you realise life sucks and you just can't do anything about it. sleep it out! good night.

extracts.

2005-10-15T22:49:00.000+08:00

why you shouldn't be friends with me:

raf: wait whats wrong with the cheongsam pic again?
me: LOOK HOW SHORT IT IS
me: I THOUGHT I SAW HER VAGINA

raf: wtffff. got 35 and counting retainees apparently

me: retainees in tjc?

me: you're crazy.

me: you should break up with (insertname), raf

raf: .

raf: i'll let it come to me

me: ok. but pls break up. boys suck.

me: RELATIONSHIPS SUCKKKK.

me: PLEASE HELP ME TELL EVERYONE.

me: HE HAS A KNACK FOR MAKING PPL CRAZY

me: i wish i were still in an all girls sch

me: is there such a thing as an all girls poly

raf: hmm.

raf: join a gurlies course ah.

me: can i?? can i??

me: (boyzsuckz)

raf: but youre already settled in your course whaaat...

raf: and i'm sure you can still accept boys as your friends

me: CAN U NOT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY

raf: you need some sense!

raf: so i'll share with you mine!

raf: fucccck i dont wanna do pw
raf: im supposed to design a stupid screenshot
raf: malas lah .
me: do it!
me: just dont love ur bf
raf: eh out of point!
raf: shit i hope your senseless words dont start making sense to me
me: IT WILL IT WILL IT IS RIGHT ( i started to get so excited, my grammar just died here ) me: EH SERIOUSLY BREAK UP!

raf: iliii. just cos your relationship didnt go too well doesnt mean i shouldnt give mine a chance
raf: (insertname) and sophan are two different people

me: they're the same! they both play hockey!

me: (sudden realisation) OHHH hockey people suck!

me: let's quit hockey!

me: u want a free composite stick?

me: p/s: a jerk once owned it!

raf: it's okay.

me: ( tries again ) it comes with a free ex-owner!

raf: you really wanna quit hockey?
me: not unless sophan's the ball.

me: im gonna join dance and turn into a slut, is that okay?

raf: no you cannot!

raf: nanti costume kau merepek ( the very least of concerns, but it's okay raf! )

raf: you are letting him ruin your life

raf: you must continue living your life

raf: and pretend nothing happened

raf: "the best way to get even is to forget"

me: hey let's make a boys suck song!
me: boys suck boys suck
fuck fuck fuck fuck
good luck
me: oh shuck.
raf: what?
raf: ohh
raf: its part of the song
me: yuck!
raf: i sound like a duck
me: i live in a truck.
raf: but boys...they suck ( my favourite line )
raf: suck suck suck
me: into the bed i shall.. tuck
raf: sleep tight i will
raf: of boys and their deaths
me: HEY THAT DOESNT RHYME
me: U JUST SPOILED THE BOYS SUCK SONG.!!

floating. NOT.

2005-10-15T21:19:00.000+08:00

LIKE WHATEVER.!

ATTENTION TO ALL GIRLS:

if you love yourselves, please save yourselves.

fact one: boys suck

fact two: screw relationships!

fact three: you are better off on your own.

you don't need them. save yourselves a plentiful of heartaches, time and money! especially if you've got a boyfriend from hell! listen to me, i know this. don't give your all! it's not worth it! if he makes promises to you, don't trust him because it means that he's lying. oh, and there is no such thing as a soulmate. you are your own soulmate. you know yourself better than anyone else. marriage? marriage is bull. don't think about that now! focus on more important things like your future dreams, your friends, and your family. the people that you love. but certainly not a boyfriend! please i am begging all of you before you go crazy like me and many other people before this, just stop stop get yourselves out now. i never thought the day would come for me to say all this, but really. just dump your boyfriends. be like me, dump them when they treat you like crap! you deserve so much better. love yourselves. listen to me. please.

relationship for me? NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR~~~~!

( pretty girls don't cry.. pretty girls don't cry.. )

so tell me

2005-10-15T20:04:00.000+08:00

all i can say is -

i tear my heart open,

i sew myself shut

my weakness is that

i care too much

& my scars remind me

that the past is real

i tear my heart open

just to feel

drunk

& i'm feeling down

& i just wanna be alone

i'm pissed cause you came around

why don't you just go home

cause you channel all your pain

& i can't help you fix yourself

you're

making

insane.

dreams

2005-10-13T20:27:00.000+08:00

look i don't appreciate having you people poke your needle noses into my best friend's blog and march around spreading gibberish about her because seriously get a fucking life of your own or something. for one thing, if we'd wanted you to know, if we thought you formed a much more significant part of our lives, then we'd actually tell you what we wanted you to know instead of having you come up here, and jump to wild conclusions / form your own distorted versions of the real story. to that somebody whom i once considered as a friend - you're such a slut i can't help but hate you - i can't believe we trusted you to keep things to yourself because obviously your brain must've malfunctioned and you decided to be a total idiot and spread untruths about people. i'm not even sorry for saying all this because out out, all this has got to come out.

*

i am one protective person when it comes to my friends.

okay maybe i should stop being an angry woman in my entries. i decided to use tonight of all nights to try and appreciate all the fine things in life - in my life. since it's Ramadhan and all that you know. even though it may sound ironic but i was kinda feeling down bout the way things are now. everything's just so different you know, and if there's one thing i've got a problem dealing with, it's change. well change has been setting in so fast that i haven't been able to get a proper chance to actually grasp everything and safely say that i'm okay with the way things are going.

talked to one of my best friends tonight, in hope of making myself feel better, and we started doing that old thing called reminiscing, something everyone does so much but never gets sick of it ever. so well i guess looking back of course there are times to be missed but she got me thinking that hey things aren't so bad after all. but i can't help but wish to be the happiest girl in the world - something i was once upon a time.. what makes me sad is that so many dreams got lost along the way i don't wish to get started cause it'll just make me all sad all over again but well such dreams should be credited somewhere you know. and that's hard for me because the last time i checked i was a hardcore dreamer. still am actually.

oh.

well.

( and dreams came around you

in a hazy rain

you opened your mouth wide

to feel them fall

and I write a letter,

from a one-way train

but i don't think

you'll read it at all )

were you unaware?

2005-10-12T22:19:00.000+08:00

please stop telling all your friends

i'm getting sick of them

always staring at me

like I took him from you

enough is enough. thank you very much. like fucking move on or something.

i decided to be unkind tonight whatever so sue me i feel this is like SOOOOOO well deserved after all the shit that i've put up with.

darling we're the young ones

2005-10-10T10:45:00.000+08:00

ohmygoodness i am feeling positively DRAINED. i've been running short of energy these days yet the things i do just keep tiring me out over and over again. been busy with work and hockey trainings. i'm at work actually right now ha ha i managed to sneak away from the stupid cash register and made love with this internet portal at terminal one. *licks* ah screw the customers i'm letting them have a field day and run away with anything they want without making payment. HAHAHAHA. um let's see quick update. i think i've got training later on i'm still trying to figure out how this fits into my schedule. i'm due to finish my shift at three pm later. on that note work has been an absolute bore- for the love of God i must've yawned abt sixteen thousand times. or something. oh and because i was so bored i actually cleared the counter and organised everything. HELP ME I'VE BEEN POSSESSED BY MONICA FROM F.R.I.E.N.D.S! seriously sometimes i can't help but dread work it's just so boring really, well at least when rani / fi's not around. rani's due to come in for work at twelve pm later, i'll probably engage in my daily routine of raping her whenever i can. ah kk maybe i should go back and accompany elvin (he's my partner for this shift - and he's been playing pool + sleeping under the counter for as long as i can remember) huhhhh. alright it's been a really sloppy entry apologies tata now my darlings. P/S: I LOVE RAMADHAN

eternally

2005-10-06T23:12:00.000+08:00

~~i like boys who are boyish. therefore the reason why this has always been my all time favourite picture. and it's not just because he's going bangbang with his fingers. :D~~

so i feel like talking about you tonight. i feel bad because i don't feel like i give you enough credit considering how important you are in my life. anyway, you're always bringing it up, saying i don't talk about you enough. it's not that i don't want to, trust me, if i had the choice, i'd go on and on about you every single day since you're the one who's constantly on my mind.

it's just that i think of myself as doing someone else a favour by not talking about you here. i moved out of livejournal because she hated that i talked about you in my entries - to the extent of removing me from her friends' list. i guess i'm doing her a double favour by not talking about you so much here, not sounding all excited because of the things you do for me, not talking about the 1001 ways you make me happy (even though i've got my own space now) and keeping my mentions of you as vague as possible only, only because i didn't want to thread on her toes say she makes visits here once in awhile.. i know it's wrong i know it might even appear to a few as irrelevant but well that's just the way it is.

but anyway i thought about it tonight, and yesterday night, when you voiced your concerns, and well i do feel very apologetic that i'm not talking so much about the number one guy in my life.(besides my father of course) oh, on that note, i love my daddy to bits + his birthday is coming so i'm kinda esctatic about it. haha.

back to the point at hand, i just wanna tell you how much i cherish everything we've been through for the past year okay? (let's make that ten months) we've both been though our fair share of shit, we affect each other so much that arguments usually end up in tears - at the end of it all i come crawling back into your arms because i realise that it's you who i want to be with. it's you who makes everything okay and i wouldn't give that up for anything else in the world.

~~i love you baby..~~

~~( and at night, you are the dream I fall asleep to have. )~~

he walks

2005-10-06T15:10:00.000+08:00

you're so lucky that our fights always occur at night, cause when i wake up in the morning, everything would be a gauzian blur already.

i know i say that i'm just fine, but i hope you wonder from time to time.

i didn't go to work this morning. i know i know, stop wagging your fingers at me. but really, how do you expect me to serve customers with a pair of glazed red eyes. they'd have probably ran away upon wanting to make payment for the product. it's getting better actually, maybe i was just feeling sorry for myself. that happens sometimes you know.

note to fiza: thank you for clearing things up (: i really appreciate the effort ya.. we've both come to terms with the fact that it was all just one big misunderstanding so i'm happy (:

ah, so my friends have been talking about heading over to the baazar over at Geylang one of these days. personally, i've never been a big fan of that place - besides the fact that it's packed & there's hardly enough space to breathe - i just dislike the fact that most of the teens in the Malay community find it just so cool to dress up (in clothes that just scream out the words LOOK AT ME) whether revealing, or being just straight shitass trendy wankers all lost in their own weird concepts. and what do they go there for? to sit around, make a fool out of themselves, bug others who really head over to the baazar with a purpose, get all rowdy.. you know, to put in in layman terms - be a nuisance. i mean, it kinda defeats the purpose of having a baazar altogether right, the person who thought of the raya baazar once upon a time must've done so to get everyone all spirited for raya yet most decide to flash all the contradicting messages by doing what they do.

last year, i recall heading over there just once, and that was just to get food for buka time. once, my parents headed over there at night, just to look for some house decor items i think, i refused to come along and insisted to stay in the car all alone. oh then i think there were groups of mats and minahs who looked slightly murderous i panicked and locked all the doors, covered myself with my jacket and fell asleep. throughout the whole time i was just so scared that they'd throw a rock onto the glass doors of the car or something. when my parents came back i think they thought i was crazy. haha well i do have a phobia of certain things.

that's right! our workplace is so cool, we get to hang out at internet cafes (with a webcam at every terminal) and have conversations with people who don't come to work and are lazing around at work! (: nyehhhehehe.

i feel like having brownies for buka. how!?

away from here

2005-10-05T21:10:00.000+08:00

desire is close at hand
her lips can only sway
there's more to life than this
don't give yourself away

save a life

2005-10-05T00:37:00.000+08:00

you know, i think the person who thought of the name, cockroach had a reason behind doing so after all. i mean, looking at those hideous things that just go crawlingggg around everywhere with their three tiny pairs of feet, you start to realise why there's a 'cock' in front of the 'roach.' haha. don't mind me, but my opinion pretty much revolves around the fact that both are just extremely .hideous. things.

oh yeaaah right right, before i forget (oh some things just totally slip my mind!) - hey if you think whatever that i brought forward on this place called my blog (keyword: MY) you're very much welcome to correct me you know? what i said may not have even been true, maybe it was a misunderstanding or SOMETHING. for that matter having you clear the bad air would have been.. hmm really nice? and even forgivable.. you're very much welcome to come forward and clear things up (with good intentions in mind, i hope.) shrug. to each his own, we human beings should not expect too much from those who lack. (in this case, moral) hmm anyway it really doesn't matter to me i didn't know i had a fan in you (: thank you so much for the frequent trips. well believe it or not, visits from insignificant people in my life actually suggest something. hah.

oh, and c'mon don't call it bitching. bitching would be talking ABOUT you without your knowledge. when i typed out that blog entry, i had in mind the fact that you (or at least one of your bestttttt friends) are regular visitors so i decided to put across my views. so, well i suggest you check up on your terms and vocabulary before you decide to use them against me. *winks*

in any case, if you'd still like to put up the whole cold& (putting it in layman's terms) tak-nak-kalah demeanour, then i suggest we just drop this alright? i've been doing fine the past seventeen sexy years of my life without such hindrance so bye bye case closed. don't even bat an eyelash when you see me outside because i'll just stare right through you.

moving on.

*

work today was not bad. haha. someone bought $905.00 worth of items and paid by VISA. however.. i almost had a heart attack later on when i visually scanned the VISA transaction receipt later on and realised that.. "FUCK HE FORGOT TO SIGN." my brain hyperventilated for awhile haha before my conscience snapped me back to reality. after pacing about here and there screaming, "how how how how," i checked out the customer's flight number, as suggested by one of my fellow colleagues (a million thank yous darling) and RANNNNN all the way to where he was supposed to be boarding. luckily he'd only just left seven minutes ago so i managed to catch him before he boarded, all panting and all that, before managing a, "Sir, you.. (huffpuff) forgot to (huffpuff) sign," before shoving the dear receipt into his face. Thank goodness he realised too and hurriedly signed it before delivering a thousand apologies to me.

905bucks is no joke. all the while i was just thinking about how my hard earned money i'm due to receive at the end of the month will all go to paying off the fucken 905 dollar transaction say i didn't manage to catch the customer on time. i got really really lucky, syukur alhamdulillah (: aww. fi would've been a happy girl though. she's never been happy bout the amount i'll be getting as my paycheck since the day we found it out. haha.

okay i've to get going now. i'm working again in the morning tomorrow (we ALLL have to wake up for sahur and prayers in a couple of hours anyway), plus i've to rush off for hockey training after work. it's gonna be a hectic day, once again - what with fasting and all. i just hope i get through it unscathed (: good night, world.

step one

2005-10-04T12:54:00.000+08:00

( oh, instincts are misleading
you shouldn't think what you're feeling
they don't tell you
what you know you should want. )

we're restarting on a fresh note. things will go well this time... i hope. (:

*

anyway i just couldn't resist the temptation to type this but i just HAAAAVE to while i'm at home partially naked (haha there's noone home) fi is at terminal 2 working her asssssssss off!

okay shut up i've to be at work in three hours. *turns red*

get conversational

2005-10-04T00:02:00.000+08:00

[edit]

this is a typical conversation between me and fi. hahahaa. fyi, eileen is just this very old woman who works with us at dufry. she's nice, i just don't know what's our problem with her. (or more like mine, as fi insists.)

fi: can u help me ask eileen if she'd like to change shifts wit me some days

fi: if u see her old face lar

me: i can't

me: if i talk to old ppl i scared i oso turn old

me: so i dont want to talk to them

hahahaha. the irrelevance of such comments.

fi: stop being childish ili

fi: grow up.. eileen has grown up you should too!

me: but she's old u dont understand

me: she has her own wrinkle cream factory

fi: i dun wan her to wake up so early

fi: take the train in the wee hours.. it can be dangerous for old ppl like her

me: DONT ACT LIKE U CARE

me: U DONT EVEN GIVE UP UR SEAT TO OLD PPL IN THE BUS, FUCK

fi: EILEEN'S DIFFERENT

fi: SHE'S SPECIAL

me: HAS SHE TUGGED A COUPLE OF HEARTSTRINGS OF URS

fi: ....and more.

fi: WHAT DO YOU KNOW

me: HEY I DONT WANNA KNOW WHETHER U FUCKED HER OR NT LAST NITE OK

fi: I STILL HAVE HER STRAP-ON DILDO WITH ME

fi: IT SMELLS SWEEET.

me: 0mgz

me: does it have that musty ol smell of old people?

me: anyway eileen smells like she's gona die soon

fi: she smells of rotten breasts

.. now who's worse you tell me?? hahaha.wait don't answer that.

[/edit]

what comes next?

2005-10-03T11:58:00.000+08:00

Ili
Female, 17, It's complicated
Profile Viewed: 52 times since 10/01/05
Interested in Meeting People for: Friends
Zodiac Sign: Aquarius
Location: Singapore
Hometown: Pasir Ris, Singapore
Friendster Member Since: Oct 2003

October marks the second year since I first set up my Friendster account. if you haven't already noticed, things have really changed since then. not just in terms of appearance (Friendster is much, much prettier to look at now) but also in terms of its marvellous features. I've just recently been made very pleased with the introduction of one of the new features Friendster now has. (: anyway, I was in the midst of my late secondary 3 school term when I decided to sign up for Friendster - and it wasn't because I wanted to. it was just to get my friends off my back, they were persistantly telling me to set up a Friendster account of my own when at that point of time I was absolutely CLUELESS as to what this Friendster business was all about. when i finally decided to check it out, I wasn't so much as excited but instead just proceeded with the signing up just to make them shut up.

haha. but well look at Friendster today. suddenly EVERYONE has friendster, just like how they've got a place to live in. it's like a second home or something. you visit one's Friendster account to in a way to test the waters - check out how he/she looks, the way he/she speaks, and his/her personality profile. suddenly it seems like such a norm question to ask somebody, "Got Friendster?" and you'll be expecting a yep from the other side, before they go on to tell you their username / email address. hah. i know, what a topic to be indulging in right, but well just decided to spare a penny for my own thoughts. i'm just pretty much amazed at how in a way, a new age has set in, and i can live to proudly say that, hey i was part of it. (:

concrete castle

2005-10-02T23:59:00.000+08:00

i'm really sorry, but i have to blog about this. there's this girl, she's one of the girls from liyana's private group of tuition friends- i think she tagged on my board a couple of days ago. for some reason i shan't bother to disclose her name but well anyway, i just find her so rude. i really do not understand why she has to give me that short, ugly, and curt reply to the question i asked her. hey it's not like i asked you if you shoplifted or anything, it's just a question of merely asking whether or not those pictures were taken in my school. if you're just being rude on behalf of your dear friend, i suggest you just mind your own shitbusiness because really, nobody said any fucking thing about bringing you into the picture. okay? no hard feelings though. i guess it takes time for some people to mature into young adults. hush hush now i'll give you your time. (:

oh and hmm comments from that tiny circle of tuition friends of yours are not at all welcome. one tag and you'll be terminated, i swear to you.

alright now, on to less mediocre and childish matters, what happens when your mother falls asleep while waiting for the fire to set in and cook the food in the big wok? -TADA- you get burnt food! hahaha i experienced my first ever home cooked BURNT food this afternoon, and trust me it didn't taste very good at all. considering my mother is and has always been a splendid cook, we don't get that alot at home. anyway somebody decided to be my saviour and delivered my oreo iced blend + japanese pancake andddd rotiboy right up to my doorstep! what a darling. maybe i should pop some sleeping pills into my mother's coffee and get food delivered to my place everyday. ideal eh? (:

okay today marks the last day of studying EVER for the rest of the holidays. see momma? no more tears! hahaha. no more cramming, even though you know there's something more worthwhile doing instead of drawing demand&supply curves everyday. hah no more of studying at the airport and seeing pesky childish kids (you know who you are) at the very best times. let's get thru tmr once and for all. alright. ciao.

you got a fast car

2005-10-01T21:13:00.000+08:00

hey bright eyes

2005-10-01T20:47:00.000+08:00

dufry people(:

sometimes i question myself, why do i bother being nice to some people even though the only thing they can ever do / have ever done is go -stabstabstab- spot on right into the heart. like for instance, looking back i was wondering why i was so nice to Person 1 even though everybody knows what she did in her own individual psychotic ways. i wonder why i even accepted her apology so readily despite of what she did.

then there's Person 2. the person who's close by. on a scale of 1-10 i'm this *points to 9.8* close to walking away. fuck, it's like every single day you give me yet another reason as to why i shouldn't be sticking around.

this afternoon i was in the train on my way to the airport and i was just thinking about how there're just so many things that i still want to do at this tender age of seventeen. at the back of my mind i listed my top notch hopes, dreams and ambitions. suddenly i remembered all the values, practices and habit the school'd tried to inculcate into us during my secondary school years. i used to think all the 'SUCCESS PLANNING' and 'LIST DOWN YOUR GOALS, YOU CAN DO IT!' tables were fucken bull. but today i thought, hey all the socalled shit i learned in school may actually help me turn the tables and slowly revamp my life. ( i knew i should've paid attention during those CME lessons.)

-

well anyway, back to the point at hand, i was just thinking, what's the damned point of making every effort to make the other person happy? to maintain good ties with them? what's the whole freaking point when all they ever do is just hurt you time and time again?

i'm not trying to say that every single one of you's not worth my damned time, but it seems to me that there are certain people who just simply don't value / appreciate what i do for them. i'm fully aware of whom i should cater my care, love and every bit of attention to so rest assured you people have been gracefully categorised under this box whose label says, "FRAGILE, DO NOT TAMPER."

enough of lingering around wasting your time for? ______ (waits for somebody to fill in the blanks but nobody dares to) see. point proven. i'm gonna take this huge step now. it's about time i started thinking about the people who truly matter- namely my family, my carefully selected circle of friends, and most importantly, MYSELF.

( who has to know?

when we live such fragile lives,

it's the best way we survive

i go around a time or two

just to waste my time with you. )

#!#$&

2005-09-29T21:33:00.000+08:00

_and i'm still watching the slow fading of all my day dreams

make me sick

2005-09-26T23:26:00.000+08:00

( tell me where you are tonight )

hit the street

2005-09-25T23:46:00.000+08:00

because it seems like fun, +PLUS i've been mia for 12345 days now, i decided to ;

Write 20 random facts about yourself and then tag the same amount of people as minutes it takes you to write the facts.

1. i've this trademark habit of going, "OMG, SHUT UPPP!" when it comes to exclaiming over sound surprises or an amazingly hilarious bit of humour. although whenever it comes to initiating conversation with new people, they'd have probably found it to be so rude of me. oh dear.

2. i think putting zZZzzz behind your wordzzz like thizzzzzZZZ is just so uncool but i love doing it all the fucking time - just for mockery purposes. :D

3. sometimes i don't understand my best friend.

4. when i was younger about seven or eight, i used to run this imaginary school - of which i forced my little brother to attend. i wrote him timetable schedules (of which he followed), drew him pictures to colour, prepared him biscuits and water for 'recess', played catching with him during 'PE' and forced him to carry this funny yellow bag everywhere he went. nyehehe looking back i'm wondering what possessed my little brother, who was then four/five to follow my biddings.

5. i have a very smart cousin who's in the gifted programme, but invents crap games called (eg) 'HUANGNA.' "Let's play Huang Na! I be Huang Na you be the murderer!!" ha ha.

6. i hate going to the doctor's because the place smells like dettol.

7. i used to want to do everything Karen Brewer from The Babysitter's Club Little Sister series did.

8. i had this sudden fetish for stickers last year. i bought a whole collection of assorted tiny stickers and pasted one on every person i liked in school's nametag. i remember the whole class having different colourful stickers on their nametags one day. the next day, almost everyone i knew in school had a sticker on their nametag. my form teacher, mr kevin ang came up to me and started questioning me, 'what is it that you've started this time?' a few days later, the discipline mistress went up to the podium and announced, "GIRLS, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE STICKERS ON YOUR NAME TAGS. IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT MANY OF YOU HAVE BEEN PASTING STICKERS ON YOUR NAMETAGS. PLEASE REMOVE THEM IMMEDIATELY OR YOU WILL BE BOOKED," cool huh. all because of me. (:

9. sometimes when i listen to music, i imagine music videos involving me and the people around me.

10. once, the DM chased after me and my best friends with a broom and a feather duster around the school. she failed tho, we were too quick for her.

11. there was this one night, i was just sooo tired having just came back that i actually fell asleep while unzipping my pants. i woke up the next day with my hands still gracefully positioned on the zipper.

12. we had to carry chairs from the second floor to the first floor for detention one day, and because everyone was feeling lazy, i masterminded a plan to throw the chairs down to the first floor. we almost killed a number of people, including the HOD for humanities. oops :p

13. i've this secret wish that i've been holding on to since forever, i'm hoping it'll come true one day .. if not soon.

14. i am actually very, very, very sleepy as i'm typing this, but i'm still keeping up because? i don't know why.

15. i got the job at the chocolate shop @ the airport a couple of days ago and i'm esctatic about it!!

16. i don't try hard enough when it comes to academics. not as much as i used to. it bugs me sometimes. i'm aware of my capability to do better yet sometimes i just.simply.don't.bother.

17. I LOVE CRISPY FRIED CHICKEN WINGS!

18. the big toe on my right foot is looking fucken hideous because it got whacked by a hockey ball. it looks slightly. gray. ew. oh and it hurts too. ouch.

19. i'm becoming more and more of a crybaby by the day. wek.

20. i say really, really nasty stuff whenever i feel like it. just that i channel such comments only to a select audience. you guys should know(:

treehouse people

2005-09-20T00:11:00.000+08:00

woots(:

don't you wish?

2005-09-19T23:52:00.000+08:00

my thank yous to my darling friends ie robo, prap, mab, raf, shazila, nazeera & ria for their cheer up messages(: i love all you babies. fyi, i am okay, i'm kinda feeling guilty from getting all this attention but thank you anyway my dears you people make me feel so ..loved(:

let's try talking about something there's not so.. tense shall we?

so i 'missed' america's next top model - got home at about eleven fifteen but later i found out that there wasn't any ANTM today because they were showing the emmys on tv. looking for a way to distress? try having chicken from kfc. okay most people may find this so totally uncool, succumbing to fatty food just to relax? i mean what kind of fuckeduptheory is that right? but since it works for me.. i don't see how it can't work for you either. ha ha admit it at least one of you find cleaning your room as a way to distress admit it, admit it! hah.

tpjc testimonial hockey match saturday. i don't want to go. you'll never guess why. really.

aan you are SICK IN THE MIND, you know that?

trying. trying i'm just so trying to keep my mind occupied - so what if it's with rubbish at least it just. simply stops. my mind for wandering off elsewhere thinking about things. things that should be thought about but i just so decided to put everything on hold because thinking about it all just makes me feel like crumbling and vanishing from view.

i love you shy.

( what should i say?
i know it ain't how it
used to be
but i'm not good
at being me
anymore. )

sick lullabies

2005-09-19T11:30:00.000+08:00

11:28:20/ him: you know how sorry i am...
11:29:21/ me: no i don't. damn you.

( i'll try to get out but i never will )

there are certain people you just keep coming back to

2005-09-19T09:36:00.000+08:00

'Hey, i'm here 4 u k. Ur not troubling or anithing, seriously. Ppl tc of loved ones genuinely k n hari tu aku dah kata aku syg kau. Need i say more?'

i woke up this morning, not feeling like the best person in the world, but received a string of sweet messages from people who sincerely cared. while scrolling through my inbox, i recalled the number of times i'd silenced his calls this morning, not to mention the whole of yesterday.

at promptly 8:52 am my phone beeped and i got a message from him:

"baby.."

my fingers felt this crazy uncontrollable twitch to start moving and reply to his sms, but then i just hid my phone under my pillow and pretended to sleep. (yes, i even tried to lie to myself) twenty seconds later i found myself retrieving my cell from under the pillows and hesitated for awhile before replying.

"hey.."

his reply came quick, about less twenty seconds later he came back with a

"Hey... (:"

his reply, however short, suggested so much hope and jubilation, i really had no heart to keep him hanging like that. furthermore i remembered that he wasn't doing alright so my fingers spelled out the following letters on the keypad

"r u ok?"

beep beep.

"Just turned okay two mins ago.."

hmm.

"ok that's good. anyth you wish to share?"

"me love you."

i paused for a bit. somehow i'd half expected him to say that, but when he did say it, it came off as being totally unexpected. i didn't really know what to say except put on the hard and cold demeanour i'd been trying so hard to pull off and replied gracefully,

"besides that?"

a few seconds later:
"me accepts you for everything you is.."

immediately i felt like hurling my phone onto the wall, as hard as i could, hoping that whatever damage done to my phone could somehow be transferred wireless to him. kinda like voodoo infused with technology. i was so mad. for one thing he was getting on my nerves with that whole grammatical-fool profile. but the main reason was that, the sentence was totally uncalled for. 'accepting me for everything that i am?" why did he have to make me seem so inferior?? in a way he OBVIOUSLY still doesn't realise his mistake and how he'd hurt me, and now by saying that very sentence he's pushing off all the blame to me, as though i was the one who'd done something wrong in the first place. SWEETIE TELL ME WAS IT SO WRONG TO MISS YOU.????????? WHO WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD ME TO GO AWAY HAA? -calms down-

i sure as hell didn't feel like replying, but something inside me just fought hard and forced me to go "? ok. have a nice day," a sentence that just screams loudly, "you are talking shit, i don't wish to entertain / i cannot be bothered to/ go go go away (HAH. back to you!) have a nice life FULLSTOP BYEBYE END OF CONVERSATION LEAVE ME ALONE NOW." mm. well at least that was the effect i hoped the message would have on him.

"but Baby.... Don't say byebye to raya..."

i just groaned when i read that message and instantaneously pulled the covers over me, halfhoping that someone would just help me at that moment because he always, always has his ways to move me. he sees where i'm weak and he uses that to his advantage, and more often than not he succeeds and you see me crawling back into his arms like that. I KNOW OK. this time i want to be different. i really want to be stronger this time. but sometimes i just don't think i possess what it takes to just walk away from this. and it just sucks to know that there is one other person in this world, besides me, who is fully aware of this.

"pls don't do this to me.."

and then my tears started to fall
and i just couldn't help but cry.

( did you know how you would move me?
.. it was you I was thinking of )

hey lush, have fun

2005-09-17T17:38:00.000+08:00

RAMBLEXO/a very family entry /well well well, what do you know, saturday's already here, marking it as a week since i first embarked on my school vacation. i'm staying home on this good saturday, with a tease of an eyesore on my right eye which one would probably call off as nothing. i called off tuition with nabilah with fear that i may in turn infect her. (i know i know, what a wimp) my boyfriend's off somewhere with his friends doing visiting, &a wedding/engagement (which?) ceremony to go to at night. i decided to be an angel and low-profile on my friends, hoping that all of them are using this time to study hard for their promotional examinations. oh, and by the way HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAF! i know you loved the b'day song i sang for you last night. (:

so JUST what did i do on this lovely saturday afternoon. nah, i didn't go off wandering about on my own, i just decided to raid the picture files and came across a number of pics i never recalled taking. speaking of birthdays, there was cik alin's birthday party for her daughter which took place about, say, a week ago.. pics don't look so great cause it was wayyy past night time. anyhows:

lovely cake baked by my uncle. yes, UNCLE. he's fantastic.

wooo! birthday girl blows candles!

kids (THAT BOY IS MINE)

menyebookkk.

grandfather, aunt, cousin, mum etc, etc

daddy po! with us!

BENGKOK.

queueing for the damned cake

mmmmmmm yummmm

camwhoring (so what's new?)

one more timee

hahahaaa. my brother tried to be scary.

raided a couple more folders and came across a soft copy of one of the family portraits.

also came across this..

this picture was taken when we celebrated kak nurul's win for this year's Pesta Perdana. (: but well, sigh..

my mum's messy with the dishwashing. WELL HE TRIED TO KILL MY MUM WITH A BIRTHDAY CAKE KNIFE.

HOHOHO we fooled around with my sister's graduation gown hahaha. :p

mm??

show-off.

HAAHAA. kirekan nak setep merantau di luar negara ah. cold country. my brother wears a snowcap for effect. shafiq shivers in the background.

i like this picture! taken with kak nurul's cybershot. anyway my brother looks retarded here. haha. fuck i want fish&co.

friends&family do go together you know!

nyehehe a random picture of my sister's legs trying on her birthday heels as presented by kak nurul weee.

a series of pictures of my younger brother..

the neighbourhood boys

awww now look who taught him how to smooch.

at the airport, when bibik left for indonesia

OH YAAA! ABANG HIDAYAT'S NEPHEW LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE FAIZURA, ONLY THAT HE'S A BOY AND A WHOLE LOT YOUNGER. BUT SERIOUSLY LOOK!

we were kerayzee over twister fries. mcdonalds, be nice and have it back on the menu pls?

hahah. (:

to the love

2005-09-16T12:28:00.000+08:00

how could i ever think its funny how
everything you swore would never change
is different now

how you said, you and me would make it through
well didnt quite
where the fuck were you?

( i'm not impressed , i want you back )

grey sweat pants

2005-09-16T12:02:00.000+08:00

XOXUPDATE;/ hockey camp was great, i went even though i was still feeling a little under the weather. (: pictures? ionoe, i didn't bring my cam then, will have to request pictures from naomi sweetheart. we lost to STC by well, a lot, but woww it was one heckova of a challenge, considering those girls are just in sec 1 & 2! captain's ball was fun too!! even the 6 step of defence, however gay&lame it was, was an experience. (well, if you call lounging around a.. lounge watching videos with everyone sprawled across the floor with pillows) mm. food was good, from design canteen, what do you expect? foot reflexology was chaos hahaha the sounds we made were fucken disgusting, balls. longest yard was funny too, even tho i watched it the day before (whoop!) naomi and i were positioned right in front of the tv, whispering amongst ourselves whenever our favourite parts came. went off on the first night tho, was planning to come back the next morning but my fever had gotten wayyy worse, so i couldn't make it for the second day of camp.

next training is on wednesday, five to seven. woos okay my vacation is slowly packing itself up to the brim, and i like it i like it. i want things to dooo. almost 95% confirmed getting a job somewhere in town dealing with these gorgeous costume jewelry, i swear, fi&i were planning to get one of those ourselves even tho they cost say.. $130-$145 per piece? for a damned bracelet. nyehhhe.

the POLITE (poly-ite) hockey tournament is getting me all excited, what with our school hosting it this year. YAYYYYY.

toni&guy-ing today. actually i don't really want a hair cut, because haha knowing toni&guy if you tell them to trim they'll probably cut about 5 inches of your hair off, and insist that they just trimmed it a bit. hahaha. but oh well shy wants to get hers cut, and i just thought i'll just make an appointment for myself too heck it's free anyway(:

love them

2005-09-15T12:00:00.000+08:00

NAME 20 PEOPLE YOU CAN THINK OF RIGHT OFF YOUR HEAD:
1. ilima
2. shy
3. robo
4. ahmad sophan
5. mab
6. han
7. raf
8. lily
9. nina liana
10. prap
11. fi
12. erica
13. felicia
14. shazila
15. dee
16. liyana
17. aiman
18. shafiq
19. naomi
20. nicole

-How did you meet 13?:
hockey?

-What would you do if you never met 5?:
i would have never met my best friend then.

-What do you honestly think of 10?:
PRAP ROCKS LA. except that she makes me miss her so much, sometimes it can get murderous.

-Have you ever liked no.3?:
baa of all people to put at number 3. well no, never did. anyway he's one of my best buds now so of course i like him very much. (OK QUICK ROBO, KILL ME)

-If 1 died tomorrow, what is one thing that you would like to do?:
.. shit i don't even know what i'll do really. she really means the world to me. can i skip this question?

-Would 2 and 11 make a good couple?:
say one day they both turn lesbian, then SUREEEE. shy's always thought fi was coooool anyway. hahahahahaha.

-Do you think 12 is hot?:
OH VERY MUCH.

-Would 1 and 17 make a lovely couple?:
mmm actually ya, because they're both extremely good-looking people, except that i just don't see ilima being with a guy who rides a bike

-Tell me something about 11:
i'd die without her in school with me. oh, and she has purple hair. (wait that's two things.)

-Do you know any of 3's family members?:
hahaha know as in know but never met for reasons i can't reveal. YES RECENTLY I HAVE JUST ACQUIRED THE NAME OF HIS LITTLE SISTER. nyeheh big deal considering he's so secretive about stuff like this. eh wait i saw his dad once.

-On a scale of 1-10 how cute is 14?:
10! not just physically cute, but i love her personality!

-What would you do if 4 just professedtheir undying love for you:
HAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
(i SWEAR i didn't put my boyfriend as number 4 on purpose) in any case, i'll kiss him and tell him i love him too :D

-What language does 19 speak?:
hmm chinese and english. i'm not sure if she understands malay, was trying to figure it out last night. :p

-Who is 8 going out with?:
zul and lily, zul and lily zul and lilyyyyyyyyy..

-Would 18 and 5 make a good couple?:
SHUT UP, you're talking about mab and my younger brother here. they're constantly annoying each other, LIKE SERIOUSLY.

-When was the last time you talked to 6?:
when we went to sentosa?.. oops i've been a bad friend. shucks.

-What is 7's favorite band?
uh, uh uh, ionoe she's miss i-laidback-listen-to-anything-that's-nice sooo yeah. i think she likes that malay band. um i dunno what they name themselves.

-Would you ever date 11?:
HAHAHAH, oh stop it, stop making me laugh. you're gonna freak herr out. but well why not, she's model quality plus she's kickass fun so anep you're one lucky jerk. JK.JK.

-Would you ever date 9?:
nina? hahahahahaha. what's this survey tryna do huh! but really why not.. she's prettyy and i miss her loads, so bearing that in mind i would!

-Is 15 single?:
dee? itula beb. i tak tahu. i've been trying to figure it out for awhile now, without actually having to ask her? tho i do sense the presence of a special someone in her life. OKOK DEE ARE YOU SINGLE. i'm sucha cork.

-what is 16's last name?:
haron?

-Would you make out with 2?:
ooooooooooooooooh. nak nak! :p

-Is 20 older than you?:
er, nope!

-Are 5 and 6 best friends? :
yeah they are!

will it be worth it.

2005-09-13T09:06:00.000+08:00

i'd like to take a moment to say this : i feel really fortunate having known all the people in my life right now. i've got great friends - friends i wouldn't trade for anything else in the world. oh and of course i love my family. i love how it's so big, how we're all so comfortable and how it's so fun spending time with them - you don't get that from just any family. it's by far the best bargain i've ever gotten my whole life, having a wonderful family. (: and well, last but not least, even though stuff like this is known through unspoken words, i love you very much my dear. i'm so greatful to God for blessing me with these beautiful people.

anyway, last night, things took a downhill because i actually fell ill last night. grr i know, what a time to fall sick right? my throat'd been feeling sore and lump-ish the whole day yesterday but i just shrugged it off thinking it was nothing. and then when i got home last night, i realised that my body temperature was aweebit higher than usual and i started to feel really dizzy. mm anyhows i went to sleep early last night, thinking i'd feel better the next morning, but then i woke up at about 5, finding myself having broken out in sweat, and the dizzy spells were worse than ever. oh, and my throat, don't even get me started. :/ well it got so bad that i actually got up, knocked on my parents' room and then my dad opened the door and took me in, asking me what was wrong. he ended up hugging me to sleep till he left for work later in the morning while my mum fussed over me by massaging my forehead and got me medication. that's why i say i'm fortunate like that, not everybody is still so affectionate with their parents at seventeen.

well anyway, i'd messaged shy in the morning, who was quick to show me that she was there, telling me to get plenty of rest and all that. i felt so comforted by her words, everyday her words promise me that she'll always be there for me. last night, i fell asleep on robo again, and he was so cool about it. and that boyfriend of mine, he woke up when i called him in the wee hours of the morning and was soo worried. he's even taking an mc today to take care of me, that's like a double aww, considering he's so sick himself..

i picked out your star

turned night to day

simple whisper from your voice

and i fade away

open your eyes

2005-09-12T08:59:00.000+08:00

SENTOSA , PRELUDE ; with me scurrying through my last paper and ilima sleeping her daylights away at home, our lovely friends namely mab, raf, lily, filz and hana excitedly made their way offshore first. skin on skin, let the love begin!

filzah looking as chic as ever

mab in her sexay uniform & shades

raf, lily (looking goldd today) and mab

so it seems, they had lots of fun even before we arrived. they did everything under the sun, from jumping in midair right up to playing with a pair of purple goggles.

hana getting ready the most essential tool for the day

my sexy friends

they had lots of fun playing with lily's purple goggles.

kringgg kringgg suddenly lily's phone rang. "LILY WHERE ARE YOU ALL??" "KAU NAMPAK BLUE STAGE.. TOILET?.. BLUE STAGE?.."

the phonecall that marked the arrival of ili&i

hi hi!

the moment we reached, we kidnapped raf's camera and made our way to the toilet to change.

"let's hurry back to the beach!" "wait, wait, not until we take more photos,"

when we returned to our spot by the beach, mab&raf were busy lesbianing their lives away.

lima was quick to join the rest who were indulging in indian rojakk. PIG.

fooled around with hana's EXPENSIVE shades, and took the most menyampah photo ever.

of course we tried to sneak in artistik photos whenever possible. for instance;

pink toes!

nice pic huh?

the ultimate bikinibeachwhore.

teethy!

a series of happy group photos

and then filzah&apit appeared with a plastic bag that bore the contents of our new friend. with everyone looking into the plastic bag, we shrieked excitedly when we saw what we saw. they had somehow captured a teenytiny ..jellyfish.

the proud owner.

doesn't it somehow resemble a mushroom? we named it.. shroom(:

the shrooms crowd around shroom.

"is it dead?" - a worried mab while shy looks on

the owners of shroom, and possibly the cutest couple on the beach can??

when we realised that shroom wanted the freedom that he (?) need from the sea, we released it somewhere near the bridge, near a group of gatal mats, hoping shroom would one day, achieve its hopes and dreams. (and sting the mats in the process) taa taa shroom. :( and then we proceeded to having our own fun.

already baked from the sun

"GET UP, PORK,"

very nice picture guys, besides the fact that ilima bears an uncanny resemblance to a bapok from changi here.

she goes freestyle (FAG.)

save us! (oh god, i look so dark there hahah)

legs.

JANGAN NAK SETEP SEXY LA.

shrooms & shroom

a takmenjadijumpingpic-turned-menjadi

swaaaay.

yoga by the beach. erk??

AND NOWWW WE PRESENT TO YOU, CONTESTANTS FOR THE INTERNATIONAL SEAWEED BABE 2005!

first up, we've got F1: nurhana aka boobsters showing off her beautiful (assets) and seaweed hair accessory!

up next, is F2: filzah with her beautiful seaweed hair and moustache!

f3: shyra shazwani with her gorgeous seaweed hair extensions!

f4: rafidah with her seaweed necklace.

f5: mariana aka mab forever looking gorgeous with her uh, seaweed earring.

f6: ili diyana models her simple yet trendy seaweed shawl.

f7, ili mahirah disappered when we took the individual model shots.

AND NOW, THE OFFICIAL LAUNCH OF THE NEW SEAWEED BRA!

when we realised that we'd had enough beach and sun, we made our way to the shower area where we basically went mad with an audience looking at us. nyehh.

s.e.x.y

after playing in the showers for a reaaalllyyy long time, we changed and then we made our way out of the island.

calling the ones we'd neglected during the fun.

greeen.

nice!

aww.

"ilii don't let go of my hand kay."

ascending order..

loved.

smug.

three of us(: think shy looks gorgeousgeorgsugleogorgeous , front view.

right?

perangai

in the bus

it was an awesome day(:

quicksand

2005-09-08T14:06:00.000+08:00

today hasn't been a very great day. i don't feel good about my paper, because i think i really screwed it inside-out, upside-down and in every other possible way i could have possibly done so.

.. so i was distracted. i couldn't help it. so be it.

just one more paper to go and we're all geared up , up and all set for the school vacation. great. i just have to get through whatever that's left for today. this gloomydaybyfar is slowly perking up, i hope. shy's coming over for lunch and hanging around for abit till we head over somewhere to study.

i love shy so much, really i do. when i'm feeling worse than trailer park trash, she's just somehow always there. i think i made it through this week because of her. fyi this has NOT been a very good week at all.

still feeling very tired though. and it's not just because i haven't been getting enough rest.. and for the wrong reasons so, i confess. tired of how things have been.. it's not that i can't be bothered. i'm really feeling so, so drained so don't be mad at me for not trying hard enough. and in a way i hope you don't push me any further because if this keeps up i think i will really break down..

robo it's only been a couple of hours but come back we miss you.

you're beautiful

2005-09-03T15:00:00.000+08:00

peejays.

hmm i like that word.

score

2005-09-03T14:29:00.000+08:00

happy saturday! for all i know, the pri/sec/jc people have just embarked on their first day of the one week september break. so, happy holidays! although i've been getting pretty disappointing responds when i issue such wishes to people, "haa what one week break, still got classes lor," or "must study for promos!!" :( ler and i was just looking forward to this break cause i thought that this would be the ONE time that i'm able to get hold of you guys without getting turned away with a totally lame reason called school. i've got my complaints too, while they've got that one week of 'holidays' my monday-friday is totally gone because of the semestral examinations. :(

examinations. party poopers. blaaah.

yesterday was spent with a quick trip to the library to catch a little bit of mugging, but then it got so cold i left after about an hour and a half. :/ well on my way out, bumped into elvy who also happened to be studying as well, but left because it got too cold. too! somebody write a letter to those librarians to turn up the temperature please before people start emerging out of that book heaven feeling and looking like icicles. (i'm one to start with!) talked a bit with elvy on the way from the library to tampines central- oh on that note, i'd really like to wish all the JC2s good luck for the prelims!

anyway i realised the number of people who actually read my blog, whether intentionally being a regular reader, or just simply stumbling upon it by chance. well what can i say right, there's a reason why i've been contemplating to switching back to livejournal with a very homely community around you &absolutely no spammers or anonymous tags. :/ ah well. you take what you get.

i lost my invitation and i don't know where i'm going

i might just drive around and try to listen for something

weird yeah, you're welcome to come along...

like the sunshine

2005-09-02T12:07:00.000+08:00

haha! i was just telling raf the other day about the teachers' day cards my sister received. well she got more of such hilarious cards:

Card 1: "Miss Diah, there are so many teachers in this school, but only you can be my teacher. Stay healthy and have a party! Happy Teacher's Day!"

Card 2: "You are a good teacher but why you always like to scold me?"

Card 3: "Miss Diah is the prettiest teacher in my life. You will be the beautiful bride like Cinderella. Don't be angry always as you will grow wrinkles on your wedding. I love you, Miss Diah!"

Card 4: "Miss Diah, I sorry I always make you angry. I will study hard for Math, Eng and Science."

Card 5: "Miss Dia, I want to buy you a present but I have no money. I make you this card. Sorry Miss Diah. Happy Teacher Day!"

Card 6: Miss Diah, here is a house for you. (Drawing of a house) Feel it, isn't it smooth? (The student had "coloured" the rooftop with liquid paper, giving it a very smooth effect) I have also grown some roses for you here. (Drawing of rose bushes) Do you like them? Please answer here : _______ :)

haha now having read those cards, don't you aspire to be a teacher? :p

fallen from grace

2005-09-02T11:13:00.000+08:00

i've never liked examinations. they put an unexpected halt to your social life, make you succumb to the viciously competitive world of the academics, and suddenly cramming for those damned papers seem to take priority over everything else. :/ i guess i could just not care and sit for the papers with 40% knowledge of what we've learnt all semester (that's just how much i know btw) but then i'll end up having unsightly grades haunting me for the rest of my vacation. not fun at all.

i read raf's entry. time really does pass so fast. i can so much as recall a whirlwind of events just speeding past me, now 2005 is almost coming to an end, (and to a very happy one, i might add, with all the festivities coming up) i'm looking forward to your birthday! (: -because it marks the rosy start of everything, right up to now. and hari raya with you.. gosh, would you believe it if i said, i've never actually properly celebrated hari raya attached. i've always envied those couples being so happy together during this month, because hey after all, you've got more than one thing to celebrate about. and then there's christmas; one year. i've never been with anyone for this long and loving him just as much since the first day. just don't let anything come along and jinx it all up.

2005 is my year. and hey about that yearly fling with AS you perceived at the start of the year? i hope you've forgotten about it(:

exhale

2005-09-01T11:42:00.000+08:00

trust me to be backdated, but will somebody get me this book, and fast. i couldn't tear my eyes of the book at the library yesterday, and it was REALLY just too bad that we didn't have our library cards yesterday because i would've really devoured that book to its very last page. sigh i only managed to read a portion of the first chapter before i unwillingly instructed the boyfriend to put it back on the shelf. (he too was equally as obssessed with the book and even had secret plans of stealing it from the library hahaha)

it's really a good read, i strongly recommend. anyone read it yet? lucky git. they're gonna do the movie version which is due to be out by 2007. yayy! anyway, taken from amazon.com -

The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
Amazon.co.uk Review: On her way home from school on a snowy December day, 14-year-old Susie Salmon is lured into a cornfield and brutally raped and murdered, the latest victim of a serial killer. The Lovely Bones, Alice Sebold's haunting and heartbreaking debut novel, unfolds from heaven, where "life is a perpetual yesterday" and where Susie narrates and keeps watch over her grieving family and friends, as well as her brazen killer and the sad detective working on her case.

As Sebold fashions it, everyone has his or her own version of heaven. Susie's resembles the athletic fields and landscape of a suburban high school: a heaven of her "simplest dreams", where "there were no teachers... We never had to go inside except for art class... The boys did not pinch our backsides or tell us we smelled; our textbooks were Seventeen and Glamour and Vogue".

The Lovely Bones works as an odd yet affecting coming-of-age story. Susie struggles to accept her death while still clinging to the lost world of the living, following her family's dramas over the years. Her family disintegrates in their grief: her father becomes determined to find her killer, her mother withdraws, her little brother Buckley attempts to make sense of the new hole in his family and her younger sister Lindsey moves through the milestone events of her teenage and young adult years with Susie riding spiritual shotgun. Random acts and missed opportunities run throughout the book--Susie recalls her sole kiss with a boy on earth as "like an accident--a beautiful gasoline rainbow".

Though sentimental at times, The Lovely Bones is a moving exploration of loss and mourning that ultimately puts its faith in the living and that is made even more powerful by a cast of convincing characters. Sebold orchestrates a big finish and though things tend to wrap up a little too well for everyone in the end, one can only imagine (or hope) that heaven is indeed a place filled with such happy endings.

oh this is better, read an indepth review here.

tears let them fall

2005-09-01T11:22:00.000+08:00

haha pictures taken in the morning, i was still in my gay night gown. (yes, yes there're a number of living people in singapore who still wear nightgowns and pyjamas okay) yupps well as you can see i didn't cut it too short.

i've got like four days (today included) to salvage my grades. well but then again saturday's gonna be burned cause my cousin's having a birthday party at a chalet and hell no am i gonna miss that. (you know, i think i should've gone for that talk - "KNOWING YOUR PRIORITIES.") haaha. ohwell. yeah and then after that comes job hunting. i'd better get a call from one of the manyy places i'd applied at, or else i'm gonna be totally idle during the months and months of vacation golly. (ok golly is THE gay)

anyway... i found yet another one. haha.

"hi hi.. have not been updating 4 a long time... well, nothg much to say...on mon, i think i saw ili mahirah.. i was in the train going to sch... n i saw some mi ppl.. there was two girls laughing2... i looked at them n then i wondered abt somethg... how nice it would be to see ili again.. hehe.. when i reached paya lebar mrt station, i went down the escalator n saw the dentist.. then, i went to top-up my ez-link.. i saw $6 n waited for my change.. i got back my $1 n said thank u to the staff.. n turned arnd.. n there she was!!! i guess.. mayb i was just imagining thgs.. i don't know k.. mayb, it wasn't ili but i tot it was.. wtv it is, i saw that girl, n she smiled... abit.. n i smiled too.. when i saw her, i stopped.. then, i got back to my senses n continued walking to the bus stop while that girl when the other side to i don't know where.. she was wif her frens.. some guys n girls if im not mistaken.. so yea..."

*

limau i think that girl's got this hotactionlesbianpassion for you or something. be careful, she might just be waiting under your block right now with her raping tools. :D

oh.my.goodness

2005-09-01T01:24:00.000+08:00

guess what i came across?

"hi hi.. i know.. AGAIN?!!!?!?! haha.. yups.. me again. i just read ili mahirah's blog.. gee.. have her pic there.. so nice.. haha.. i miss ILI MAHIRAH!!! haha.. k.. i wanna link her blog but don't know if i should.. sheesh.. she doesn't even know know me.. haiya.. don't know how to feel.. somebody, remind me that IM STRAIGHT!!!! lalalalala.. just reading her blog makes me happy!!!!! i can't believe myself.. hehe.. i also don't know know her life now.. but i feel involved just reading her blog.. wanna tag but don't know what to tag!! argh!! wait syu.. just a reminder: U R STRAIGHT!!!!! lalalala.. of course i know that.. cmon.. im totally straight.. oh yea, suddenly i know what to write in any profile under "who do u wanna meet?".. i wanna meet ILI MAHIRAH!!! muahahahaha.. k.. stop it syu.. oh yea.. ili mahirah wrote abt ili diyana n now i also miss ILI DIYANA!!! sob.. n then that reminds me of FARZ!!!! argh!!! so so sexy.. that super sexy nice gal!! pretty pretty n CUTE!!! so nice.. i feel like pinching ILI MAHIRAH n ILI DIYANA n FARZ!!! so CUTE CUTE CUTE!!!! argh!! hahahaha.. im totally insane now.. but what am i suppose to do? just now in the bus 31, i was talking to su n she talked abt the seniors.. talked abt rury.. her maam.. n ILI MAHIRAH, ILI DIYANA n FARZ!!! yipee.. hehe.. k.. IM STRAIGHT!!! but just jope i din blush when talking abt them just now.. hahaha..."

.. li? i didn't know she was this bad.

aww sugar

2005-08-31T23:20:00.000+08:00

the camera is nowhere to be found, i'm guessing my sister brought it to school for ha-ha-happyteachers'day, thus i cannot take any pictures of my hair at the moment. well but anyhow i got it cut down to shoulder length- looks pretty okay i guess hehe(: my head feels so, so much lighter.

so i heard today was teachers' day celebrations, also known as

pretendtogobacktoyourexschooltoseeyour

teachersbutactuallyjustwanttoshowoffyour

newuniformorshowfacetoeveryone-day.

FACE IT you know that's the truth people. ha ha ha now now don't i sound sore. tsktsk. heyyy i'm not complaining, really, i've never been in love with uniforms, always thought they made you look ugly, unkempt, and unglamorous. but IN ANY CASE in case anyone immature decides to flame my tagboard and give their "twocentsworth" of comments; ie "hey i think uniforms are cool," or something along those lines, i shall go on to say that hey, this is just what i think and what i think really shouldn't be given half a fuck or so yes? (: ah well. i just think class gatherings are disgusting. i've really been trying to keep my distance from such organised events since the day i realised how totally bacin it was. -pauses- but anyway it was gross ok really i almost died of fatique seeing swarms and swarms of fusioned groups of uniformed people thinking they're king/queen of the Universe. they were everywhere! it was suffocating. fine i shall stop being so meticulous but to i'll end on this point - thank God teachers' day comes only once a year.

oh ili, really you should stop before they start beating you up. fine fine, i'll say it - NO OFFENCE TO CLASS GATHERING GO-ERS OKAY? *distributes apology letters*

feeling extremely venomous right now, i'm guessing nothing good is gonna come out from my mouth in this entry so i guess i should just say hohohobyebye!

ginger ale

2005-08-31T10:30:00.000+08:00

as fi would put it, toni&guy-ed again yesterday. came in for my appointment at as early as 2pm with faeza & friend, nini and got my hair done! it's not really so much as done cause i've to come back later today to get it cut. but anyway here are pictures from yesterday's dye job :D

waiting felt like forever. thankfully i contented myself with the camera & swallowed a truckload worth of sweets.

waiting for my "best friend" to start on my hair

that guy, matt (i prefer to refer to any matts as matty) okay so matty asked what i wanted to do to my hair, so i told him i prefer hues of red. and he got all excited and almost shrieked, "Like bright stunning red??" i almost laughed then, so i just went, "yeah something like that."

olright, there she goes. and there's two of them!

she seemed to have a little something for that pair of purple gloves, she REFUSED to take them off. -shrug- i suppose her purple gloves are that to a four-leaf clover or a bunny's foot. beats me. whatever it is she seemed to like them very much. hahaha.

oh how pretty.

they dyed it three different colours, a base dark red, with blonde and red highlights and then shrouded it with a layer of my shorter hair in dark red. urm let's see i don't really so much as how to describe it - in any case perhaps the following picture will do the rest of the entry some justice.

bad girl. haha. will snip it short later today! toodles~

precious illusions

2005-08-30T12:39:00.000+08:00

yadayadayada just waiting for time to pass before i leave the house for toni&guy's. just wish the words would somehow just -come to me and .flow hmm. da as usual my brother was surfing friendster throught my account. and my younger brother is getting on my nerves, can he just stop reformating the pc. again some of my stuff went missing because of that rawr thank god i kept everything else in my thumbdrive. i just wished the stupid router didn't have to cock up, else i'd have been able to surf with the laptop wireless without having to rely on this pc. well anyway the stuffed crust pizza from pizza hut isn't all that nice. i think elvy is just so pretty man. and aro stop looking like my brother can?? danial haris' girlfriend, that dalila diyana girl- she's really got a problem with herself. lyKe 0mGzZz nOoNe wAnTs tO liKe sTeAl hEr sCraWnY bOyFriEnd aLrEadY! hahaha pretty amusing though. it's just so sad how some people can be so insecure and unsure of themselves. -snorts- miss sonia feriel aka ali's girlfriend aka gorgeous shit should like totally be a model balls. speaking of balls, i miss hockey i really can't wait till training starts all over again.

take this bet

2005-08-30T03:12:00.000+08:00

damned backache, nasty cramps and a sleepless night. could it get any worse than this?

hey hockey people

was on an unplanned hiatus for awhile. spent the whole weekend at delta witnessing the mia 4nation hockey challenge- good stuff. well thing took a mysterious horrifying turn for awhile - something i never wish to experience ever again, not anytime too soon. (or ever again for that matter) just a couple of things i thought of;

those hands that i scratched, those hands that i clawed on till they bled, are the exact same hands which so caringly and tenderly soothed my aching tummy the day after. at that very moment i felt like breaking down and embracing you and apologising for the dreadful scars i left on those loving arms. i'm very sorry baby...
also i realised that at a point when you're in great pain, taking comfort in something else makes you forget/disregard all the agony/malaise that you're going true. i used to refer this as a checkpoint for mental situations - but that day i felt it occuring in physical terms.

in any case this weekend was quite an eventful one if you get what i mean. well, to lighten situations up- met up with loved ones during hockey and took quite a number of pictures too! follow up;

the original pranksters (;

baby girl;

still holding on to_

(and i will miss you cause i'm happy that i had you at all)

sweet red wine

2005-08-28T11:30:00.000+08:00

well maybe sometimes you shouldn't speak too soon..

there is hope

2005-08-27T02:07:00.000+08:00

yoohoo! i'm back - well i jolly well should be, judging from the time.. in any case, today has been a really good day(: love does magic.

the blades course

2005-08-25T13:40:00.000+08:00

well i spent the whole of last night crying like a baby about my sorely-missed friends, (oh and on that note i wrote you guys a letter which i think should never be disclosed to anyone of you - not if i don't want to have rocks thrown to my face) and here comes the lifesaver, miss shyra shazwani who eventually (and inevitably) erased that crooked smiley on my face and put a warm happy in replace. (: i went to sleep feeling so much better that night.

i'm home. dragged myself to school for accounting tutorial and then i slugged back home, all within two hours. i told you school was a waste of time. hmm anyway, we got our projects ...& coursework grades - they're the tallied scores of our mid-semestral tests, project and class evaluation and account for 60% of our final grades (the other 40% from the main examinations which are in say, two weeks?)

so what can i say? i guess i didn't do too bad, but i didn't do brilliant either. got a B for CSA, C for Econs and D+ for accounting. was thrilled upon finding out that i didn't fail accounting haha i suppose the + behind the D supposedly makes it all slightly better ha ha.

well anyway, i think the projects kinda evened out the final grades hmm i'm just hoping to even out MY final grades by turning everything into nothing less than a C; which looks pretty impossible for accounting cause that'd mean getting an A for the main exams to change that D+ to a B at least. but haaa as cliche as this may sound nothing's impossible.

OK you can stop laughing now.

haha we'll see la ya. decent grades will perpetually be impossible if i continue to linger around here. *makes her escape*

<3

2005-08-24T21:45:00.000+08:00

you're my honeybunch
sugarplum
pumpy-umpy-umpkin
you're my sweetie pie

you're my cuppycake
gumdrop
snoogums-boogums you're
the apple of my eye

and i love you so

and i want you to know
that i'll always

right

here

and i love to sing sweet songs to you
because you

are

dear!

apple of my_

2005-08-24T17:47:00.000+08:00

hey my new layout is cute and all that, but i've this SLIGHT suspicion that on days when i'm pissed with the whole damned world, i'll probably hurl a giant boulder towards the direction of the computer screen upon seeing this faggot layout. HAH. oh well. we'll see when that happens. in the meantime i just hope the gayness is enough for all of you to bear.

oh shit ( both literally and figuratively ) maybe this gay!happy!cheery! blog doesn't seem like the right place to type the following out but *twitches* I'VE GOT THAT SHITTING BUG AGAIN. i think the common people refer to it as diarrhoea. ahh but really, my bowel movement's been a total bitch lately - the number of trips I made to the toilet i tell you (oh you don't say) ;enough to earn me a loyalty card. *mumbles*

( now let's turn this into an angry one ) I'VE HAD THREE MEALS ALREADY BUT IT FEELS LIKE NONE. damn you faeces.

alright, alright i'll go study already. oh & somebody get me a job for the holidays please.

fly high

2005-08-24T00:30:00.000+08:00

say hello to the new sexy dress my blog's put on for viewing pleasure! haha finally got it all dolled up again - took a couple of days + a couple of angry people though oops. the links were both fun & time-consuming i had to look at each of your very faces for at least five minutes y'know? ( oh, and i left out quite a number of people, i'll add your links in time to come ) NONETHELESS. tadaaaah! *skips away gayly to the song*

P/S: please hover over my links! :p

WHEN THEY POUR OUT TO PAPER

2005-08-23T01:41:00.000+08:00

The Classic IQ Test
What's Your IQ?

Congratulations, Ili!
Your IQ score is 131

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Visual Mathematician. This means you are gifted at spotting patterns -both in pictures and in numbers. These talents combined with your overall high intelligence make you good at understanding the big picture, which is why people trust your instincts and turn to you for direction - especially in the workplace. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.

Ahaha. I've always liked Maths anyway. (: Try the quiz here!

ALL THE THINGS WE NEVER SAID BEFORE

2005-08-22T22:35:00.000+08:00

KFC today was good.
DIE , EX GIRLFRIEND, DIE -mutters to self-
A for Econs project! Probably a B+ for Marketing. YAYYY.
Exams. Arg.
Go running.
I miss you guys.. except that I'm not so sure if it goes both ways now.

REBIRTH

2005-08-22T10:42:00.000+08:00

Preview of my new layout(: Ho ho ho I'm three years old!

YOU MUST BE USING A LOVE POTION

2005-08-21T17:57:00.000+08:00

Somehow I find the above picture very intriguing. Took it this afternoon.

+ +

With my parents off house-hunting and my other siblings on another fishing trip, I find myself all alone at home looking like a total eyesore and doing nothing constructive yet again. I haven't contacted a single friend all day - no wait, technically I did cause I uh accidentally dialed Robo's home number by accident. Oops.

So I just thought I'd flip through that diary cum student handbook thing the school gave us at the start of the semester. (Eh something smells like it's burning around here .) Came to this page where they listed all the course managers and their pretty faces - haha and I realised that Brandon Wong doesn't look like Brandon Wong. He looked slightly.. irish. HAH.

INSIDE YOUR HEAVEN

2005-08-21T00:18:00.000+08:00

It's so cool when you can talk with your best friends & boyfriend about a common interest - hockey. (:

LOVE BURNS BRIGHTER THAN SUNSHINE

2005-08-20T23:08:00.000+08:00

Finally a real update instead of random (notso?) postings of strings of words with hidden meanings that I leave you people to figure out on your own. Hmm, I can safely say that today was a good day - something that's been overdue for quite awhile now. Caught Wedding Crasher with boo at Cine haha oh like what everyone's been saying, good movie that was. (: Ate at Ana's and caught up with Mel for abit, it was great seeing her and sitting down with her to TALK after a LONNGGG time. Discovered a shop with the most gorgeous prints - haha been badgering Mel for a job there ever since.

"You and your hahas."

"Haha. Yeah. Why?"

"Nothing. Sometimes I just wonder whether they are real or not."

Hmm. I guess you can say that I fall into that particular category of people who just go "haha" whether or not they've got anything constructive to say. I dunno. It could be a habit of sorts - or it could just be my subconscious efforts to keep the conversation going instead of just instigating awkward silences here and there whenever I've nothing relevant to say. (Oh Ili that's a lie, you know you NEVER do say anything relevant) Don't be mistaken though, I have absolutely no trouble keeping a conversation going with you! You should know that better than most people..

I'm secretly ashamed though - for the fact that there may actually be some truth in what you said. Sorry anyhows babygirl? Considering the fact that you are very irritable hahaha I must've gotten on your nerves alot with my hahas - k from now on I'll start saying an assortment of other words in replacement of my consistent&coherent hahas when nothing's actually ever funny. (:

Suddenly I'm so excited for Ramadhan.

-just a brand new yesterday..

DON'T BREAK, DON'T BEND, BABY DON'T BACK DOWN

2005-08-17T22:13:00.000+08:00

Dear You,

There are days when she's a whisper
Nights when she's a scream
A reason to wake up in the morning
To close your eyes and dream
She'll curse you like a sailor
She'll wound you with her eyes
She always makes it better
But she won't apologize
I know everything about her but don't know her at all
She cries because she's happy
She sings songs when she's mad
Like a stiff drink when you need it
She's good at being bad
And long before you knew her you knew she was the one

With Much Love,
Your Baby Girl

I'VE THOUGHT THIS THING THROUGH MORE THAN ONCE OR TWICE

2005-08-17T13:40:00.000+08:00

Congratulations I guess you're always right

Well I'm sorry I ever tried

What happened to the world we knew?

...We were so much better than this

*

It happens one more time.

Now it's time to drive a million miles away
And I'll make it, in my head
And I'll be here, in pictures

I ROCK THE COW GIRL BLUES

2005-08-15T21:07:00.000+08:00

-the innocent

-the raping of the innocent (VERSION FUNKAYKICKASSSHITHAIRCOLOURS - i'd like you as my sextoy pleaaaaaaase :D)

-i never actually meant to have sex with the toilet, really.

- - -

Anugerah's playing on TV and I'm not really paying attention. Hahah I only noticed when Chiko when on stage - gaspsss. Hahaa. I think he is so girlishlycute you know? Nyeh. Anyway I need somebody to come over and spank me hard, "BAD GIRL GO DO YOUR MANAGEMENT ONLINE LEARNING!! :O :O" and hopefully I'll start wailing and crying - "BOoHoooo," and through tears I will finally do the one simple thing I'd been meaning to do since, oh days ago?

I MISS SHROOMS SO MUCH GUYS I PROMISE YOU I'LL PLAN SOMETHING SO VERY HEBAT FOR YOU ALL SOON ENOUGH OKAY? STAY TUNED SAYANG SAYANG ALL OF YOU SO MUCH (and that includes you too, CLARINETIST i miss you the most now)

AN ALLERGIC REACTION TOWARDS ALL OF THIS

2005-08-15T11:59:00.000+08:00

Baby! Check this out.. I bet you're gonna have a laughing fit and giggled yourself to tears! (Ho ho I'm making you sound like a girl) Got this from Silver Speak by Blindside ;

im an ant
try to protect
my dinosaur friend.

The last line of the song..! Glowering? I can imagine you all excited now. Hahaha.. (:

*

With the exception of the above, I'm not very much the PDA sort when it comes to referrence in affectionate terms with my significant other on my blog. Yep, not even here. I suppose I try my best not to thread on others' toes as and when I can.. Just hope my efforts are being appreciated somehow haha. ! Now now let's not turn this into a joke.

I wonder if Robo's still up for later. Hmm.

OK I'm boring- so sue me.

Nothing.

Still nothing.

This is a sign. I'm gone.

( cause i'm feeling

like i might need to be near you )

BLACK SUITS COMING

2005-08-14T14:06:00.000+08:00

Hah. More pics in the next post. Gotta rush off now, I've got a date to settle. (:

SHE WHO MADE MY DAY

2005-08-13T01:24:00.000+08:00

mel So far from where we've been.. I know we're cool. says:

" i'm of course very happy to see you much happier now,"

mel So far from where we've been.. I know we're cool. says:

"and I always, always miss you."

you know i feel just the same way about you, love(:

i have been

searching for

traces of

what

were

TAUGHT THE TEAM A LITTLE BLACK MAGIC

2005-08-12T23:46:00.000+08:00

...

Honestly Hafizah (no not you Fitot), you should get yourself checked before you start scrutinizing others for their s0-called mistakes.

Moving on.

People've been coming up to me, touching my hair and going, "GASP GASP I thought you permed your hair!?" Hahaha. Whoops mistake number one, (over)exposure of them pictures. Anyway, nahhh I've got my normal straight long hair now, I did perm it for a couple of days this week let's applaud Kak Nurul for a job well done shan't we? (: Oh and yes, I am about three shades darker, look what hockey and the sun's done to me! I'm not complaining, really, but people are. Goshhhhh. If that's the case then it's a good thing that tomorrow's gonna be our last training till after exams. (Secretly lets out a small whoop) Hah. Don't get me wrong, I like hockey and trainings, yes I do, but lately it's been becoming a bit of a drag - maybe it's because I've got alot more stuff to juggle, what with the exams coming up in less than a month's time now. I just think it'd be good if I could at least give up something in order to make things seem a little less hectic and hell, it'd sure feel good to get those damned As!

Game against TPJC again. Hey, all I can say is the only thing I'm looking forward to is seeing Rob&Shy.

WAVING SILVER WANDS TO THE NIGHT-BIRDS SONG

2005-08-12T23:27:00.000+08:00

Call her moonchild

Dancing in the shallows of a river

Lovely moonchild

Dreaming in the shadow

Of the willow.

Talking to the trees of the

Cobweb strange

Sleeping on the steps of a fountain

Waving silver wands to the

Night-birds song

Waiting for the sun on the mountain.

Shes a moonchild

Gathering the flowers in a garden.

Lovely moonchild

Drifting on the echoes of the hours.

Sailing on the wind

In a milk white gown

Dropping circle stones on a sun dial

Playing hide and seek

With the ghosts of dawn

Waiting for a smile from a sun child.

OH SWEETHEART, DON'T SAY SUCH THINGS

2005-08-12T00:26:00.000+08:00

Do NOT have a sixhourlong conversation with your two buddies because you will end up getting minimal amounts of sleep or worse still, none at all. Besides waking up late and being late for class, I'm very sure Robo, Shy and I were walking around our respective schools like zombies today. In my case, it got so bad that I even fell asleep when leaning against the pillar standing while waiting for the highness, Fi to arrive in her usual prestigious mode of transport - taxi.

Had a long day today, starting with the seminar I missed, moving on to a two hour long accounting tutorial. Had lunch in school for awhile, and stayed back for a bit to supposedly discuss Management. Headed over to Fi's for her fussy reasonings, waited for that craphead to shit her ass off then went back to Tampines Central to shop for her presentation clothes for tomorrow. (Actually she just wanted to get a pair of black pants) Found a good one pair at Bossini's at a reasonably low price. Went to Macdies where Fi wanted to try out her new laptop's wireless connection where I ate again. Realised that Macs was so merepek so we left and headed over to Coffee Bean whereupon the wireless connection was usable and thus we spent the rest of the afternoon right up to evening surfing aimlessly. Anep was on a mean streak today I suppose, poor Fi. Made way back when Shy called after her hockey training, wanting to meet so I ended up meeting the two stooges, Robo&Shy opposite their school. (As if the conversation last night wasn't enough) Left after temaning them makan and talking for abit.

And then I did the Management project and ransacked my wardrobe to find the apt clothes for tomorrow.

Sigh. I don't really have the mood and energy to go right on.

Oh in other words, I AM POSITIVELY DRAINED. See you in bed.

OF AN ENDLESS STATIC SEA

2005-08-10T22:40:00.000+08:00

" now just sit here and talk about how you wanted it all , " says:
i guess we're more similar than we thought (:
same shit, different day says:
=)))

I promise you that the moment I willingly extend my friendship, rest assured that you've got me in your pocket(:

.. wanna join my loyalty program? :p

WE DRIVE TONIGHT

2005-08-09T10:19:00.000+08:00

if i had it my way , i'd turn the car around and runaway , just you and i.

THE RAIN FALLS WHERE IT WANTS TO, THE WIND BLOWS WHERE IT WILL

2005-08-09T09:25:00.000+08:00

iSk // 29 months says:
then u need sometime alone?
(may i kiss you there?) says:
suppose so..
iSk // 29 months says:
well you sound kinda frustrated with something anyway

I have no fucking idea WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with me these days. I don't just mean it when we talk about mentality and emotions but also PHYSICALLY. Something's up with my body it's just not right. I have this overbearing urge to shit all the fucking time and my period's going haywire. I dunno if it indirectly affects my mood, but whatever it is I seem to have absolutely no control of my temper. But you you you're another one you make me so angry that I can't stop myself from wanting to throw something sharp and painful towards your head. I almost ripped Tubby into pieces last night (his label is off by the way) I wanted to slice his stomach open and maybe spill his furry contents just like how I wish I could cut you open and spill the contents of your heart..

what if i ripped your heart apart at the seams maybe then you'd know how i feel

I LISTENED TO YOUR HEARTBEAT AS I HELD YOU IN MY ARMS

2005-08-05T21:38:00.000+08:00

Good day today (: Had an appointment at Toni&Guy's in the morning, then had to rush off to school to give Chek Meng the signs plus do duty for CCN day, and after that headed over to TPJC to catch the hockey opens.

Toni&Guy : Appointment was at 9:30am - was doubtful that Miss Fi would be able to wake up on time to accompany me there, judging from her bed time the night before. And I was right! I ended up going there myself first just to fulfill the appointment, or else they'd have rescheduled it. Yup, anyway today Dillah (Read: Gorgeous sexay stylish) wanted to gloss my hair, and we decided on a dark colour - Pearly Chestnut. Woo enchanting name eyy. Haha anyway had to sit through the whole class while Dilla demonstrated the methods of glossing to her students. Do you know that there's Science behind all that hair business? I saw her drawing diagrams of the hair cell membrane, catching bits like, "..semi permeable," and "molecules can enter," every now and then. Came to a conclusion that Dillah is really smart, I really like the way she talks, and her personality. It's like when she speaks English she has this very exotic British slang which doesn't sound fake at all (so I sort of assumed that she studied abroad, otherwise she just has this natural ability to not sound disgusting when faking accents, like most people) but then suddenly she'll just mutter something in Malay, and she sounds totally normal and haha just like one of us. (: Yuppers, anyway sat thru the whole three hour tutorial thing having my hair tossed and my chair swirled as she did the whole dye job. And everybody fussed over my hair hahahaha. Nyehehe. I love having people wash my hair. It feels sooo good. So remember, if you want to bribe me one of the things you could offer is to wash my hair. Bwahahah. Fi came with her beau Nissa, who cut her hair (again!) and had her hair blowdried respectively. Since they were headed North, I left first cause Chek Meng was persistantly calling and searching for me. Said bye bye to the whole class and especially the beautiful Dillah who said she'll give me a call and then took the train to Bedok. 69 to school. Connie called, telling me about how somebody'd dedicated a song to me in school! Hahaha awwwwwwww.
CCN Day : Reached school at about 1pm, grudgingly walked towards the retail carts to pass the signs that I painfully did last night. (HAAHAHA) Bleh, saw a lot of good food all around but had to do duty upon reaching, so I found myself repeatedly going, "Hi! Would you like to buy earrings? They're just $5 for three pairs! Yes, $5!" I swear I must have sounded like some cheerleader who'd gone lame and spent the rest of her lifetime selling earrings by the streets. Hahaha. Anyway wrestled with Tsehaw as to who'd do the book keeping, and I ended up letting him do it while I did the stockselling. Didn't regret doing that after all haha although I kept looking at the watch every now and then, waiting for four o'clock to come, by which my duty there would have ended. Snuck secret trips to the Tiki Hut to get myself a Berry Berry Nice Juice (: Hahaha and then I secretly snuck back. Teck Guan and I played FindTheMissingSide and SpotTheDifference with the earrings. Matin got possesed halfway and started yelling in a murderous voice, "50% Off Storewide!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He sounded as though he was slicing his throat while yelling. Oh I confronted Chek Meng bout his new little girlfriend hahaha anddd guys I think Chek Meng is gay. He found the earrings intriguing and couldn't stop himself from constantly looking at them, and arranging them neatly, going, 'Eh this one very nice leh.." every now and then. *Bewildered look*
TPJC Hockey Opens : 4o'clock came soon enough and aper lagi?? CABOT AHHH! Hahaha. Normally I'd have all the energy in the world to stick around long enough for this kind of bullshit but I didn't feel like it this time.. somehow. I dunno, maybe it's because. It'd be nice to have my mostestfavouritestpeopleintheworld there with me, going crazy over this and that. :( Tried to get a portion of the Shrooms by calling Raf but she was in school so fat chance. Hai. Anyway, thank god he came with Didi the 9475fan, who both waited for me till I was done and then he temaned me for my very overdued lunch at Macdonalds. TWISTER FRIES ARE BACK!! Messaged Arep excitedly this morning when I saw the Ad outside Mcdonalds, (Twister Fries just remind me so much of him, and speaking of which I miss him alot) and omg which reminds me I didn't reply to him!! Okay, anyway after my late lunch cruised over to TPJC where Shy said I'd be able to catch abit of the hockey open. Turns out that I was late and they were already having the prize giving ceremony or something. Called Robo who was already on his way home, all geared up for the TPJC Band Concert. (I called him about an hour ago and heard the music in the background, it sounded absolutely boring, I'm surprised he didn't fall asleep.. not in anybody's arms I hope) Found myself in the TPJC canteen with the whole TPJC Hockey Team, I think they were having a discussion of some sort about tomorrow. Haha can Mr RectangleSamatSamHanger not act casual with me, knowing fully well that the opponent is listening to his every word? Engaged in the usual activity of lesbianism with Nora haha and then ended up hanging out with the JC1 Hockey girls.. (He went home) Found myself to be very, very comfortable with them and they're so gerek la okay I admit. So fun. (Also, with Shyra Shazwani next to me..) hehe. I mean it's cool that 3/4 of the TPJC Hockey Team are good TKGian friends of mine so heh. Drank bubble tea and ate at 7k where we laughed alot, and then headed home when dusk set in. It was a good day, really. I hope tomorrow turns out just as okay.. somehow.

Ahaha tomorrow's gonna be a very interesting experience during hockey. He's gonna play with the TPJHockeyBoys against my school. Mmm and Nora's gonna play tomorrow so it's like aaah attack of the friends! Man. Think quite a number of people are coming down to watch, I have no idea why. Still gonna stick by my plans to kidnap Robo after hockey tomorrow. And I can't fucking wait to study. Charlie&theChocolateFactory at Shy's tomorrow evening, girls? Let's pig out.

[ Everybody hurts.
Take comfort in your friends. ]

Now that, was a weely long entry.

I KNOW YOU'RE ALWAYS THROWING KISSES FROM THE SKY

2005-08-05T21:29:00.000+08:00

Something has to change. Undeniable dilemma. Boredom's not a burden anyone should bear. Constant over stimulation numbs me and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's not enough. I need more. Nothing seems to satisfy. I don't want it. I just need it. To feel, to breathe, to know I'm alive. Finger deep within the borderline. Show me that you love me and that we belong together. Relax, turn around and take my hand. I can help you change tired moments into pleasure. Say the word and we'll be well upon our way. Blend and balance pain and comfort deep within youtill you will not have me any other way. It's not enough. I need more. Nothing seems to satisfy. I don't want it. I just need it. To feel, to breathe, to know I'm alive. Knuckle deep inside the borderline. This may hurt a little but it's something you'll get used to. Relax. Slip away. Something kinda sad about the way that things have come to be. Desensitized to everything. What became of subtlety? How can it mean anything to me if I really don't feel anything at all? I'll keep digging till I feel something. Elbow deep inside the borderline. Show me that you love me and that we belong together. Shoulder deep within the borderline. Relax, turn around and take my hand..

COULD YOU REALLY SAVE YOURSELF

2005-08-04T00:39:00.000+08:00

Enjoyed training today! I think it's because of the fact that I went home after class ended to sleep and take my training stuff.. Although I overshot with the sleeping and ended up being ten minutes late, but haha. Running today wasn't so tiring, even though we did a lot of rounds and sprinting. Did positioning and passing today that was fun and good stuff. Played a game at which point, Coach Danker decided that he wanted to play so he was in my team. I played stopper today mmhmm. Oh and there's a new girl, think her name is Ain or something, from IBT, Engineering School. She's quite good, not baddd. Somehow I felt more energetic after training today, felt this sudden rush of.. horsepower and felt like running a couple of extra rounds, haha! And that's an amazing situation for someone as lazy as me to be caught in ;P Ahh I think this is good, I'm gonna keep rushing home on Wednesdays to get sleep before going back to school for hockey training. It helps ah, really. (:

Hey mistermailman. You confuse me you know. I'd really appreciate it if you stopped being a hypocrite to both me and you and

Give it away

To someone who

Someone who

Can cherish your name

.. It's not me.

Now do us both a favour and strike out my name from that little list ok? Such last resorts have to be sought because well, apparently mistermailman has some sort of split personality that many aren't very aware of.

Oh, and for you. Taken from my old blog. So perfect.

False pretence,
a lack of resonance,
a derisive sentiment and confidence.

These bonds were always fake,
crafted for safety's sake,
but pasted wings, and foil rings,
do not an angel make.

I see you left me with your last word.

It's ringing,
with the noteless shrill of jealousy,
and the claims of imperfection,
and the crying out for the things that you deserve,
but your voice is never audible beneath the anger in your words.

It's ringing.

It's breaking me.

You can't belittle this.

This could change everything.

This one is mine to believe,
but the hottest words can cauterize,
and in anger,
there's just wasted time,
so your last words,
just another,
I won't hear.

IF YOU WANT PEACE THEN LIVE ALONE

2005-08-03T12:40:00.000+08:00

Things got a little ~~nasty~~ intense last night, and for once I'm not talking about things between me and him. Had a four hour conversation with Shy and Robo - which comprised of mostly screaming, shouting, accusing, attacking, cornering, prodding, cursing and even crying.. let's also not forget the talking, the stories, the pleading, laughing, joking and ..just plain caring. Honestly Rob, if I didn't care for you as much as I do right now, I wouldn't even bother going to such extends. I guess this just goes to show that I do, actually care about what happens to you and the shit that you do and no doubt Shy shares my sentiments.

And thank GOD he opens up to us, that's why it's always been so easy to talk to the both of you. [: and this brings us all closer.

When you lose your way

Don't have a clue

And you happen to find

somebody like

you

It's a beautiful thing

CSA @ Lab now. For once I didn't lug my ptkit to school because I've enough time today to go back, change and come back to school for training. Which is just as well. I came to school just bearing a file in my arms and strolled into class. Everyone else was late too, it's a different tutor today.

The only thing I like about Excel is keying in the data into the spreadsheet. Other than that I'm totally foreign to it.

Oh yeah, got my hair cut at Toni&Guy yesterday with Fi. Thankyou you tots people. [: Headed over to Bugis with Naqiah, Faezah and Fi. Faezah left halfway cause she had to work, so Naq waited with me while Fi did her hair first. Oooh you should check hers out ok! Lawa. And the gay hairdresser no wait that doesn't sound right. Okay yeah the gay male hairdresser who originated from the Vietnam city was sooo proud of his work. You should have seen him , he was strutting around like he'd just achieved global peace or something. Haha. Then I got mine trimmed and layered, so that my strands aren't so thick and much lighter now. I like it, yay [: (Although from a distance it doesn't look very.different ahah)

Oh yeahhh. Made appointments to get dye jobs there but in the end I ended up getting myself a free one! :D Thanks to Miss Gorgeous-Smorgeous-Stylish-Vogue-Hairstylist who approached me weeee. Hahah this Friday. I just hope Fi is sweet enough to wake up on time, the appointment's at nine thirty AM.

Nyehh okay. Shrooms' outing - I'm thinking of bringing it forward to like, National Day itself or the day before, that okay? I don't think I can make it on Saturday itself because I've been really lagging behind in my schoolwork (haha big surprise) so I thought it'd be forgivable if I used Saturday to do my catching up.

BABY YOU'RE MY SUGAR RUSH

2005-08-01T23:56:00.000+08:00

(Very messy entry)

SHYRA SHAZWANI IS THE NEW CAPTAIN OF THE TPJC GIRLS' HOCKEY TEAM! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

Anyway, I've been reading my old journal entries.. various ones. I still cannot believe how very disgusting I was once upon a time. People have every right to be revolted by me, because I absolutely feel like retching right now. Of course most of my entries were very, very funny and got me cracking. Like this conversation with Miss Lui for instance.

THE CONVERSATION

[08 Apr 200304:39pm]

Sigh. Miss Lui just called me when i was arguing with my sister.

Lui Hello Ili..sleeping I suppose?

Ili *Strains to listen* Er no.. I'm not..

Lui Well then i suppose you're having fun? *Chuckles*

Ili Er no i'm studying Chem.

Sis ILI CLEAN DUSTBIN

Ili *Mouths 'Bitch' to sister*

Lui Anyway do you have the class telephone list? The whole class?

Sis ILI SWEEP THE FLOOR

Ili *Pinches Sis' Neck* *Sis goes fuck* Er yes i do have one..

Lui Jean?

Ili Er yeah she has one i think.

Lui Okay very good in that case can i get the whole class commitee to call up *mumbles a string of words i cannot hear*.... Homework posted..School website..by tomorrow..

Ili Oh..okay..

Lui I'd love to send the homework to each one of your homes, but you see i teach many classes..3/2 bla..*mumbles somemore*..Had to get..*mumble* to help me..

Ili Oh.. hehe *fake laughter but secretly SCREAMS INSIDE 'TALK LOUDER' WHAT THE HELL HAPPENNED TO UR BOOMING VOICE*

Lui So can you, chair and Jean, your vice-chair (FOR GODS SAKE I NOE JEAN IS MY VICE CHAIR.) call up the class and tell them about the website.. get ready a pencil.. ready?

Ili *Refrains from laughing* Yeah..

Lui www dot moe dot.. got that? edu dot sg

Ili oh okay.. thanks..

Lui *Mumbles something i cannot hear* Thanks *click.*

Ahahaha.

OH MY GOD.
[02 Apr 200303:20pm]
IS MISS LUI INSANE?SHE SENT THE WHOLE OF SEC 3E4 MATHS WORKSHEETSTHRU MAIL. YES AS IN SURAT. LETTERS.SHE EVEN TOLD US WHERE TO CUT AND STUFF. *SCREAMS HYSTERICALLY*

HAH.

Omg everything brings back so much memories! I think I deleted about 2 or 3 worthy journals. :[ I really wish I hadn't deleted foraged cause that's the one that's full of Shrooms I think. Check out the textbook conversation between me and Raf that was real funny it was.

..and a typical day in school back then...

My Life
[16 May 200310:55pm]
i = am so tired. just came home from tuition. *sigh and dies* er yeah. anyway let's update about school.

Temperature Taking Session

would you believe it if i told you we had to STAND to take our temperatures with our new cool thermometers? sigh. sissy gay. there was this announcement about class chairman having to go down and then prap was next to me in my class so we went down together-gether lor. collected the thermometers and shitz and haha sheena was complaining to us as usual. this morning she was complaining about Sandy. about the socks matter again. hehe very cute leh the way she complains. hahah. anyway. so i had to help mr ang distribute the gay logbooks we got. mariana wanted red and i didnt want to give it to her but she gave me this look so i hastily gave in. ;( yeah. then well we just took our temperatures. big deal man. ili @ 37.1 degrees celcius

Physics

okay well i tied my hair into two today right? and haha. mr yap came in during physics and started talking about the test so i just loudly asked him 'WHEN ARE WE GETTING BACK OUR TEST' and then he said 'I'll be giving you back on Monday. By the way, you look very nice today.' and i almost died. as in. the whole class started going 'OOooooooooooooH.' and i just blushed deeply and died under my desk. *reputation = down the drain* and then there after, they have been teasing me about MR YAP. like. YUCK.

Recess

i drew nini a fish piece of thingie and passed to her. haha. raf wrote 'SOMETHING FISHY' lol lol. anyway. ili MAHYRAH GAY started singing 'tapered love' to me. and i sang back to her. haha. cos well hakim is tapered. and well. he is tapered. ahaha. and then somehow me and mar started fighting and squirted bandung at each other and then somehow me and MAHYRAH started chasing each other around our tables. hahaha. and then MAHYRAH AND PRAP gay wrote me a stupid note with a gay drawing of tapered legs.

After Recess

Went to 3/8, wrote 'ILI MAHYRAH SUCKS.' and drew a tapered heart.

Chemistry

Me and neem were drawing tapered legs on the board (er mine had a big crotch lalala.) and then QTong screamed 'MRS CHEONG' so we frantically erased but then there were still bits left. and anyway mrs cheong just looooves finding something well to talk about. she saw the bits and told me 'Ili i want to see you after class'. then i got annoyed with her so i ignored her throughout her whole 'trends across a period' lecture and invented this nice thingie for guides. then aft class met mrs cheong outside class.

MC What were you drawing on the board?

ME Er. Legs?

MC *smiles* Why were you drawing legs?

ME Why cannot draw legs?...

MC *sighs gayly* Ili, you know i said don't draw on the board during my lessons.

ME ya i know but we did it before your lesson and we erased before you came in..

MC *cornered* I meant, don't write unnecessary things on the board

ME But we weren't harming anyone

MC You were wasting the whiteboard marker ink

ME But it's not yours whaaat mrs cheong!

MC *smiles gayly again* i know. *changes subject when realises she's caught again.* another thing, i havent seen an improvement

ME what improvement? i improve !!! i never talk right? i never turn around to talk right? i keep quiet in class right? *makes innocent face*

MC ya i know that, but i still don't see you focused.

ME i am focused!!!!!!!!!!!

MC okokok i have to go now. *stalks off*

Now wasn't I a cheeky one.

back then , when things were so simple. shrooms every single day.-closes eyes-

I really miss it all.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING

2005-08-01T22:57:00.000+08:00

When your heart can't stop

Like a runaway train

And love walks in like a hurricane

It's a beautiful thing

I HEART POP TARTS! Thanks Melissa, for making me realise, and Fi, for making me remember. So, anyway! POP TARTS! (:

Oh and just what is UP with people with uncanny resemblences to their significant other? I'm not kidding, really. Just the other day at the Design canteen, I saw this very hot girl with a very hot boyfriend, and trust me, they looked like they could have been caught incest, cause I saw they look SO much like each other! (..can any couple get any hotter anyway.) Erica and Andrew look strangely similar. Some people have told me that I look a bit like him - the eyebrows and cheekbones I think. Fi looks a bit like Anep. Ili is starting to look like Najib ....or should it be the other way round? I don't know, I was thinking if it really is true, then don't tell me people are only attracted to those who look like themselves? For if it is so, then really, there are more narcissistic individuals in existence. Oh, but I've read somewhere, and heard from people, that when you spend alot of time with somebody, you tend to look like them gradually. Which can be said to be correct somehow, because Erica & Andrew goes a long way back, so does Anep&Fi.. The more time you spend with someone, the more resemblance you will have to him / her as time passes by. But then again we don't know if this is true. But if it is, there's only one group of people that I pity..

- those poor zookeepers.

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS TRODDEN THROUGH OUR SHIT

2005-08-01T17:36:00.000+08:00

Starhub is such a shit. They suspended my line just because I have an outstanding bill of $52.00 grr which my mother happened to overlook. So as of now I am uncontactable unless you call my home phone or, like Mel, you could drop me an email. HAHAH. Nola. It prolly won't last too long anyway.

Okay brb.

IT'S HARD TO LEAVE SOMETIMES

2005-08-01T09:28:00.000+08:00

Good morning.. Amazingly I had no difficulty waking up this Monday morning and that's just fine with me(: There's no Management lecture this week and the next, so I can relieve the pleasure of waking up late every start of the week for these two weeks. It's a pity though because Fi and I made resolutions to not skip anything this week, so we were all geared up for lecture in the morning, but luck was on our side I suppose. Felix Felicis(:

Marketing tutorial at 1pm later - oh damn that reminds me! Brand equity. Shit.

IF I WAS IN YOUR POSITION

2005-08-01T01:21:00.000+08:00

Smart & cute gestures should be recognised.

.. but I'm sorry.

DON'T SAY MAYBE

2005-08-01T00:35:00.000+08:00

"Eh something must be wrong with me," I thought to myself as I walked to the kitchen carrying my late night supper some ten minutes ago. I breezed thru doing my share of the Accounting project without falling asleep. The time now is 12:38am and I'm still not feeling sleepy. "Everything's going along greaaaat," - continuing my train of thoughts, and placed my unfinished plate of rice on the table.

..and crash it went and everything was scattered all over the beautiful carpet. Nice going Ili. So much for everything going along fine.

So at about 12:40am while everybody else in the house was peacefully snoring away, I was squatted on the floor trying the get the food bits outta the rug. Urg. Not very glamourous.

Suppose that's a cue for me to sleep.

Oh. Haha Cornie and I.

cornelius[7] that's how love should be says:
i know isaac has wet dreams of u though
( watch it *spin around to a beautiful oblivion ) says:
EEEE INNNOCENT EY??
( watch it *spin around to a beautiful oblivion ) says:
my foot!
cornelius[7] that's how love should be says:
yer one horny auntie la!
( watch it *spin around to a beautiful oblivion ) says:
YOU LA THEN HORNY
( watch it *spin around to a beautiful oblivion ) says:
URE EVEN NAKED IN UR DISP PIC
cornelius[7] that's how love should be says:
haha go and die!!!
( watch it *spin around to a beautiful oblivion ) says:
i bet u just wrote in ur little organiser
( watch it *spin around to a beautiful oblivion ) says:
"WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 3RD"
-see danker's balls
cornelius[7] that's how love should be says:
its more like 'stay away from horny ili!'
cornelius[7] that's how love should be says:
she's so gonna check out my balls

Our conversations are sooo animated and happening. Awww Cornelius is such a darling. [:

[ it wasn't long ago
i was just like you ]

GLASS WINDOW

2005-07-31T13:11:00.000+08:00

why won't you ever know that i'm in love with you

IT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE

2005-07-30T22:34:00.000+08:00

mysexaygorgeousbitches

I miss Prapp!!!!

Had training this morning woah I think the first bit was rather strenuous because I suddenly felt like vomitting and had slightly blurred vision for a couple of seconds. Was questioning myself like what the ??!! The last time that happened was back then in Primary 3 while waiting for the school bus line after national anthem - and that was because I didn't eat for recess or something. And I was certain that I dutifully had breakfast this morning so I came to a conclusion that I still wasn't completely cured from the other day. Bah but after that it was good we did a lot of pushing today, I likeeee. Oh then we played a mini game and halfway thru it started drizzling, then pouring, that was great man. Felt the wind against my face when I ran woohoo it could rain like that everyday and I'd be the happiest girl in town.

Oh, and Fi's notes (I brought them to training cause she needs me to pass them to her after that) got wet in the rain, and the product resembled something from The Gremlins. Okay on that note I'm gonna apologise to you one last time - I'M SORRY!! (Now that's done, can you lend me your notes again on Monday, I promise I won't turn it into belacan or make it look worse than how it already is..) thanks! Hahah.

Oh right, I forgot to update about Manifestasi 2005! Hahah.. the only reason why I came down was to support Robo. Hah shan't say much except for the fact that I almost vomitted when he did the romance scene with Marlia. Eh fucking horny face la sia. Hahah gave him a hard time about it (still am actually) eh and what people actually think you're hot? Relek sua!! Hahah.. Don't worry I've already forgiven you for being a total ass when we waited for you and going to 7k with your buddies leaving poor me and Shy starving by the streets.

Dum dum. Let's see. Marketing project. Accounting project.

(Quietly leaves)

COME AND LISTEN.

2005-07-27T23:28:00.000+08:00

Never again.

School;
So much for planning to email that marketing brand equity thingy to Juliet by tonight, I ended up engaging in the usual nothingness. ANDD I still haven't done my Accounting tutorial questions. ARGH. Discipline??!

Didn't go for training today either wasn't feeling too good, I guess when I thought that my fever had subsided I was wrong. Mmf I almost shrivelled up and died in the freezin'cold lecture theatre this afternoon. Oh well from what I heard from Cornie they did attack attack training, five rounds and short sprints, something to do with 'his legs almost breaking' oh wow that bad ah. But then I think the runs would've done me some good.

Oh and we got our CSA (Written) results back today. Thank God I didn't fail.. managed to scrape through with a 29 hah. Fi was curious to know who failed - I mean c'mon if idiots like us can pass and all our other classmates are so academically-conscious, then who in the world in our damn class could have possibly failed? No answer.

Workload's always been there - just us casually neglecting it. Well it's about time we started giving school 100%% more attention. Mmmhmm that bad.

(Some rules are made with all intentions to break
and she defends it with a warped rationale)

DON'T TRY TO FIX ME I'M NOT BROKEN

2005-07-26T22:51:00.000+08:00

The minor things:-

I almost had a heart attack when I couldn't find my thumbdrive just now. Scrutinized my room and turned the house upside down (key: exaggeration) just looking for it. Turned out that my mum had put it away for safekeeping when she found it on the floor a couple of days ago. Uh heh heh heh.
My eyelids are feeling heavy - but nope I think I gave myself just about too much sleep lately. Too much that it's actually getting to me bah shit like, to the extend that I can't even wake up on time for school and stuff. Gendeng. Luckily school starts at noon tomorrow so that should give plenty of allowance time to sleep.
Blocked nose - in other words I ab speaking lige dis because i hab a ruddidg dose and ooh wee I am soo looking forward to sleep tonight. Hurray for breathing thru the mouth!
In conjunction with the Singapore Food Festival or whatever it is that stall vendors have been celebrating, Mab, IliM and I had a food feast this afternoon. I swear we must have bought positively the most-est amount-est of food that is far from being consumed by three already very full stomaches. (We got possessed by the Greed God, as usual) Anyway, we went around Tampines buying fruit tarts from Delifrance, buns from Papparoti, Ramli Burgers, Sotong Balls, Blueberry Juice &Honeydew Milk from the baazar, nuggets, squidheads, squidbody, carrotcake, breaded prawns from OCK + + + la okay you get the idea, then we headed over to Sunplaza Park initially to eat while playing swings or something but plans were changed due to a congestion of mats at the playground, so we just headed over to one of the shelter places and ate our hearts out there. We had quite a ball down there except that apparently the mosquitoes were having some sort of a party and we must have rudely interrupted so we decided to (notso) quietly leave. Ha ha.
Project deadlines are annoying. No, really. And group mates should just die. No wait - change that to annoying group mates.. who magically assume the role of leader /slash: OGRE /slash ILOVESPOILINGILI'SDAYWITHERTESTRESULTS should just take a hike or something. No kidding. Bah I'm just still sore about what happened this morning.

Zoom in..

Today, I learnt how sombody is like really. No, I do not wish to be another one of your objects of dalliance so thank you very much, kindly bring your little game elsewhere. Oh and while you're at it, just a note of warning from me: Do not come near my best friend with a tenfoot pole.

smeared black ink
your palms are sweaty
and i'm barely listening to
last demands
Since when was it so hard for somebody to move on with life without hearing from the significant other? I got one of those sudden pangs just now while surfing the net and just reached out for my phone to call him, you know it was one of those ihavetotalktoyourightnowreallyorireallywilldie moments.

Trust you to be there everytime I need you... sigh

you're the
magic
that holds
the sky
up
from the ground
Noticed that, when you love somebody, suddenly everything else doesn't matter anymore. Oh I jolly well damn realised that.

(and i don't know what to do with you
because you don't know what you do to me)

CHOCOLATE

2005-07-24T14:54:00.000+08:00

I cannot stop devouring my mother's brownies/aka antidote for sicklybodyconditions+hunger.

DON'T FEEL BAD FOR ME

2005-07-24T13:32:00.000+08:00

For some reason I decided to check out an old friend's blog. Instinctively though I've been let known of it through his nicks on IM. As I did so, I realised... what a horrible person I've been. I mean, I guess he was right in saying that I'd changed from the person that I was - and that he doesn't know me anymore. He's right. Fighting a battle of thoughts with myself, it hit me that being attached does not necessarily mean being totally heartless to someone who actually once touched a place in my heart. Underneath it all, he was and has always been a very good friend to me - and I guess it really hit me hard when I realised that I'd hurt him in my many ways of action. I admit that I tend to do things without thinking of the consequences that may erupt from my very own doings... and this is one very perfect example and involving something serious.. something that involves losing a friend.

If you are reading this, I'd really like you to know how sorry I am for the way I've been treating you for the past couple of months. I was heartless, and I barely spared a thought for your feelings - if not as someone special, as a friend. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, and you're definitely not one of the rare few.

I guess I could have spared the dramatics and apologise to you just thru IM or even SMS but I'm not quite show if that would help you in any way, if you get what I mean. In any case, I hope you accept my apology with an open mind and trust me when I say that I still want you as my friend.

i could make this obvious and

you

you could deny me all in one

breath

you can shrug me off your shoulders

I WON'T LET GO UNTIL YOU SAY SO.

2005-07-23T16:35:00.000+08:00

Training this morning was okay. Had to run an extra round though, for being slightly late - but other than that we did loads of tackling and dribbling. I've a good mind to work on my whacks, those two girls really opened up my eyes today. Hahaha. Went to the library with Naomi and Izah after washing up and stuff, stayed there for about an hour before heading home.

I've been neglecting my schoolwork. Oops. :/ To the extend of almost forgetting project due dates and stuff. Bahh. And to think that I was looking forward to the weekend to.. catch a movie of sorts or something. Oh God. But it's Kak Nurul's birthday and we're celebrating tonight, so it sort of gives me a reason to stay home and mug.. or something. Catch up on the academics yeah that's it.

Shy's coming over - bah I forgot to ask her to bring my Order of Phoenix..oh yeah touching on that, I'm done with the Half-Blood Prince! For those who aren't quite done yet don't worry no spoilers here just that, well it's really so sad that - had to die. Enjoyed the book yes I did - and enjoyed the reading experience as well. It's been a long time since I last sat down with a book like that, losing track of time and totally lost in the world of words.

My life feels almost complete. It's so funny that I'm feeling like this upon losing a portion of it.. (but in a way I'm cheating because he's still around..) Aahhh. But well. Not so many worries. I could get used to this.

Like I said, forgetting really helps. The only fragments of my pathetic confessions can only be found here I suppose. Oh bear with me.

-to turn around and walk away pretending i don't love you

STOOD ON THE ROOF AND TRIED TO SEE YOU

2005-07-22T19:23:00.000+08:00

500 channels of a daydream simulation

I like forgetting. In my opinion. Problems emerge when you think.. too much. Come live my life and see how I let everything just flow by..

Unhealthy, oh I know.

But the following usually helps..

..the greatest friends in existence.

AS PERFECT AS YOU

2005-07-20T13:19:00.000+08:00

At least have the decency to reply to one's well wishes laa. Okay quick update during CSA.

Baybeats was okay. In my opinion not as great as the previous year, bahh I got bored pretty fast - left at around eleven and ended up sleeping over at Shy's place.
CSA Project done and submitted. I rushed thru it Monday morning and hell yeah, if I'm not wrong our group should be pretty much safe (:
I should stop being late for class really I should. At the rate that I'm going, I'm probably gonna spend the whole of a week's allowance on cab fares alone. NOT GOOD.
The main PC at home is being a total fucktard. Mainly because my younger decided to be the genius that he is NOT and attempt to reformat the computer. As a result? Missing system files and weird popups appearing upon startup. I've got absolutely no time to do anything to it for now - which is just as well so that idiot can just give his Counterstrike games a rest.
"Eh aku malas ah nak pergi Accounting. Kita gi makan jer ah." -Fiza (20July05, 1:26PM)

Lab getting pretty cold.

our conversations consisting
of the kind of marks we make
when we're
trying to get a pen to work again

I'M STUCK ON THIS PAGE

2005-07-17T17:55:00.000+08:00

Kai Boon still had the nerves to message me at 1:29 am this morning - "Eh you finish doing CSA already? It's due tomorrow at 9am leh." / * DAHLA KACAU ORANG TIDUR! Haha thanks ah Mr Kai Boon aka Mr I-Am-Reluctant-To-Do-Group-Project , Mr I-Am-Unwilling-To-Stay-Back-For-Discussion, Mr I-Don't-Turn-Up-For-Group-Meetups (alongside an assortment of other nicknames) Yes, I know you've got very nice naturally brown hair but that soo doesn't authorise you to be an uncooperative group member. Bahh never mind la besok kau kena. Hahaha.

SOOO CSA IS DUE TOMORROW AT NINE AM (AND SO I HEARD). My plans to help finish it up for the group this weekend has practically gone down the dumps, what with going to Baybeats yesterday night, sleeping over at Shy's, spending this morning grocery-shopping and the whole damned afternoon cleaning up my shitass room, I've got about hmm.. er just the night left? Okay I can do this. Just have to follow the guidelines / storyboard Fi drew out and it'll all be done in a wink of an eye.

Yaaa sure.. if you neglect the fact that I'm supposed to go out for dinner with family later. AIYA MACAM MANA NI. (!idea) Unless I carry the laptop around like a geek hanging out at a kedai kopi doing her Macromedia Dreamweaver Project. Oh joy.

K group members if any of you's reading this, don't feel bad about anything ok, fact is I volunteered to do the mechanics of the job ie set up the webpage with the discussion planouts. I'm just in a state of panic right now because of my poor time management AND WOWW I'VE STILL GOT THE BLOODY TO WRITE THIS ALL ON MY BLOGG HAHAHA! KILL ME PLEASE.!

-reality check CIAO

LISTEN TO MY VOICE, IT'S MY DISGUISE

2005-07-15T14:44:00.000+08:00

Leaving the house soon - CSA project (major) ahaha. I just hope the laptop doesn't die on us like, halfway or something - that's one thing. Another thing is I refuse to bring the charger it's pretty heavy, and like we can find a power socket anywhere. But then again if the lappy dies..

Oh yea my dad lost his handphone, how sad. I think it slipped out of his pocket while he was choosing durians at Shieng Shong. Hahahaaaa okok no laughing matter hush.

Okay I suppose this entry is just for -the- sake of it. Gonna change layout soon! (Yaya believe me) AND WOWWW SCHOOL STARTS IN LIKE, WHAT, TWO DAYS! Wheeehoooo.

PASSIVE AGGRESIVE

2005-07-14T23:08:00.000+08:00

Oh don't be stupid, don't lie to yourself you know just how much you love him still.

_______________hold your head high, heavy heart.

TO THE LOVE I LEFT MY CONSCIENCE PRESSED

2005-07-14T22:45:00.000+08:00

My best friend had every right to snap and shout at me.. I can't believe I actually brought tears to her eyes because of my sudden & irresponsible disappearance. I'm sorry baby, you know I'd never do anything to hurt you...

And so I'm back. After disappearing on my friends for a couple of days I'm back. Just needed some. breathing space. Not that they don't give me enough they give me ample amounts of space to breathe and move around - just that I was thinking. Ahh no use for that now. Mistake : When you suddenly decide not to exist in this world, inform your friends beforehand before they get worriedsick. Trust me to tell myself that. I'm starting to notice that it has seemingly become a growing bad habit..................

Okay I tried the Colorgenics thinger ; HELLO ACCURACY.

You feel worn out, physically and mentally. Recently the going has been tough and it looks as if there is still a considerable way for you to go before you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. If only you could put a protecting wall around yourself and cut yourself off from the rest of the world - be it even for only a little while - (done it) how wonderful it would be, but you can't (oh hoho so now you tell me)- so you need to bear with it. Just when everything will seem at its lowest ebb you will find that there is a turnabout and your problems will seem to find a way of resolving themselves.
Enough is enough. Nothing seems to be working out as you would like it to and it has got to the stage where you feel as if you can't be bothered anymore. The way you feel is that it would be great if you could be cut off from everything and take it easy - be it only for a short time.
You are feeling under considerable pressure and you are being forced to make concessions. (like, double highlight!) You are not particularly happy with this state of affairs but you feel that you have no alternative. If you were to force issues you would be left out or completely ignored by one and all.
Compromise is the name of the game at this time and it is the only way you can avoid being deprived of the love and affection you so rightly deserve -so soften up a little, be flexible. (what i've been trying to do, oh you smart little thing)
The stress that you are experiencing at this time is due to the present situation - a situation of your own making. (been questioning myself that..) But trying to ignore it, hoping that it will go away, will only aggravate it further. What you need to do is to slow down - to relax and re-think the situation and by going slow, you may be amazed to find that most of your problems will resolve themselves.

Well. That leaves me with only an option to.. think about things.

+ + + ADD TO MEMORIES

2005-07-12T10:38:00.000+08:00

"Let your heart guide you. It whispers so listen carefully." -The Land Before Time